Contemplations of the Heart... Dwellings of the Mind...

Lucado Life Lessons Study Bible Review

2011-05-08T23:23:00.000-05:00

I am a fan of Lucado and was interested at how his writings would be incorporated as an addition to the Bible. His writings have long been a staple on the shelf and a continual addition to the collection.

I would view this more as a Devotional Bible rather than a Study Bible though that may simply be semantics. I have found Lucado's writings thought provoking and challenging. Having his writings in a devotional setting tied to scripture is great.

This Bible offers Lucado's Life Lessons on the sidebars of some of the pages that take passages of scripture and give them modern day application. There is a topical index at the front for those who are looking for scripture for direct issues in their lives. Written in the New King James Version, there is also 30 Studies for New Believers at the back to help those new to Christ get started with their devotional walk.

I always feel Lucado pointing people back to God and the purpose of why we are here: relationship with Him. What better way than this combining the two. I realize that Lucado is not Scripture, and I don't treat his writings as such. I'm using it for my devotional time and love it!

I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

YOU CAN BE EVERYTHING GOD WANTS YOU TO BE...

2011-04-19T23:18:00.000-05:00

This "gift" book, in Lucado style, is a jam packed book in a small package. As Lucado does in all of his works, he speaks truth to the value of each and every individual.

This isn't just for the graduate seeking to find "themselves" or their career. This is for each person who needs a reminder of our true God given purpose for being alive. I love that Lucado is always engaging. His writing style seems that he knows me personally. Laced with compassion and care, Lucado drives home that we were created for more. More than what we assume, more than what we picture we could be, and more than what we are doing now.

MAX ON LIFE...

2011-04-19T22:56:00.000-05:00

Max Lucado has been a staple on my bookshelf over the years. He has long been a fatherly voice for my heart bound on written pages. His perspective and wisdom is profound and noteworthy.

In Max On Life, it's another resounding handbook of hope. He gives answers to some of life's most plaguing questions. from suffering, death, peace, finances, and doubt to salvation, purpose and forgiveness. There is a comfort that comes with Lucado's writings. It is bathed in Truth from Scripture and is drenched in love. When I read the answers to many of these questions, I was struck by the amount of compassion that oozes from the white canvas the words are printed on.

I love this topical edition on wisdom from Lucado. I appreciate the addendum of the scriptural and topical indexes for quick reference. This is a great "go-to" for those who counsel, pastors, teachers and believers who struggle with the relentless daunting questions that the enemy seeks to weight us down with.

Free Book...

2010-04-08T00:06:00.001-05:00

Yes, it’s the title of the book. No, it’s not free. But Brian Tome’s desire is to communicate freedom in Christ for every believer. While Tome says early in the book “we don’t need another book on the cross,” this one is more about Jesus and the combined effect the cross can have for every believer.

Strongholds and distractions are apart of everyone’s life. What do we do about it, and how do we confront the issues that seem to remain vaguely discussed at best? Tome did a great job of taking the “Christian-ese” of answers to life, it’s challenges and disappointments, and showing them for their true value, which was minimal at best.

Tome has a confrontational edge to his writing, though it’s not in an unapproachable manner. He takes the over-spiritualized and breaks it down… painfully to the reality and the options of freedom.

I loved the edginess of his personality and the way he was in this book. His personal stories made it more relateable and easier to understand his perspectives on how to live a life a freedom that can only be found in Jesus. I appreciated the scriptural basis and how He uses this as his framework, rather than his own thoughts.
All in all, Free Book, though not free, is a definite read. Tome’s thoughts aren’t “new”, but the reminder is necessary for many of us.

I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

I'M STILL THERE

2010-03-20T03:22:00.002-05:00

The elderly woman wheeling down the hall

She declined after the horrible fall

Her mind scattered and words fleeting

Yet in her, my heart is still beating.

Though she has aged and lived well

She may ignore me, but I’m still there and within her I dwell

The grandmother playing with the little child

Remembering the days when her’s were just as wild

Her heart still expectant but something’s missing

She left with only searching and reminiscing

Though she’s laughing and loved well,

She may ignore me, but I’m still there and within her I dwell.

The mother shuttling her kids to school

Stopping, yet again, to ensure the minivan has fuel.

She’s running in a million different directions

And divided her heart into tiny sections

Though she’s busy and juggles well

She may ignore me, but I’m still there and within her I dwell.

The young woman living day to day alone

Fighting to make sense of it all on her own.

Filling her days with work and friends

Wondering when the pain will end.

Though she’s smiling and managing well,

She may ignore me, but I’m still there and within her I dwell.

It’s the quiet moments you realize I’m there

Or in the moments in your rage and you just don’t care

The times when you are overcome by fear

And the times all that you have are salty tears

Those moments where guilt clouds your heart

And shame tells you that you played a part.

It’s there, that’s my voice, and I’m trying to yell

You are ignoring me, but I’m still there and within you I dwell

I’m the little girl that wants to be heard

To have a voice in the form of words.

It is I who needs to be set free

From the bondage and agony.

It is I that longs to be held

And to find the love that’s been withheld

Keep fighting and we will get through what’s left undone

To find contentment in the journey you begun

Though we will fight for the words to the story we’ll tell

No more ignoring, I’ll still be there, but together we will dwell.

Comments

Buried Alive...

2010-03-01T00:51:00.001-06:00

This is a chilling and captivating account of one man’s will to survive. In 2004, Roy Hallums was kidnapped from his office in Iraq at the Saudi Arabian Trading and Construction Company. It’s easy to forget this unseen side of war. It is an eye opening tale of military imprisonment and torture.

The story is written in such a way that you are with Hallums the entire way. From being pulled from the office to the concrete pit, you journey with him as he endures the worst of circumstances. It is a tale of the heart, both for survival and love. Hallums family dealt with this trauma from the States, never giving up on his safe return home.

The story is gripping. From the beginning, the book grabbed my attention and endured throughout the book. The first person narrative makes this book choice intriguing as well as a quick read. As you read this account of one man’s journey, you’ll be enlightened and encouraged.

Comment

I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

White As Snow...

2010-02-16T01:10:00.002-06:00

On January 29th of this year, five inches of snow fell. Definitely one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen. Since then, it’s snowed twice, each providing its own beauty that is hard to tire of. I’ve been thinking for the past few weeks about what is about the snow that I love so much.

It’s simply magical to the youth, and a rare peaceful stillness for the adult. It falls gently and quietly. I’ve never seen lightening or heard thunder in a snow storm. If you aren’t looking for it, you could miss it. It seems that when snow comes around, life tends to slow down. Things that seem important get pushed to the back burner. Appointments that were set are canceled. Activities are postponed till another time. Things you can’t do when snow isn’t around become higher on the priority list. Executives play together in the snow with their kids. Snowfights and snowmen are erected out of the imagination. Others of us could be found nestled by a fire soaking up the beauty that is outside. That’s me… I think that there is absolutely NOTHING like fresh untouched snow. No footprints. No snowmen. No snowfights. Just the simple blanket of snow covering the earth.

To me, God is the snow. He comes quietly. If I am not looking for Him, I will miss His arrival and His presence. He comes and covers me. There’s nothing I need to be or have for His arrival. He covers the corners of my heart and the daily traveled roads with His blood just as the snow covers the pavement and the stray grassy patches. He doesn’t arrive to condemn my heart’s current state. He doesn’t require me to have my junk together. He covers it as it is. He knows the conditions of my heart. He knows what lies beneath the covering.

The untouched snow is amazing. I’m definitely a fan of admiring the layer of beauty for a good while before it is trampled on or playfulness gets its hand in it. This time when I saw the snow after a snowball fight, I wondered if that’s what my heart looks like sometimes. God comes and covers it with His blood, and I come and pick up chunks of it and throw it aside leaving the matters of the heart exposed. It’s easy to let God into some parts of our hearts and try to keep Him from other areas. The reality is… He desires to have ALL of our heart. Not part of it. I was amazed as God reinforced this message to me. That night as I went back out to view the beauty in moonlight, all of the places where we had disturbed the snow and all the exposed ground was recovered. Not just to a small degree, but each hole was refilled to the level of the untouched snow. When we allow God in, He covers completely and fully.

I’m praying that I can be more open to the covering of God’s blood. I don’t think I intentionally close God off to certain areas of my life. I think many of us try to get our “junk” together before allowing God in. I’m realizing more and more each day that He knows my heart in and out, even more than I do. I desire what David prayed in Psalm 51, that with the washing of Christ’s blood, that I, too, will be washed whiter than snow. I pray that as God covers every aspect of my heart that I will reflect the beauty and work of God in my life. I pray that I will reflect purity and completeness as He continues to cover me on a daily basis as I seek Him.

                      Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
                          wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
                                                                             Psalm 51:7

Comment

Jesus Lives...

2010-01-11T22:13:00.002-06:00

Sarah Young’s Jesus Lives is a topical devotional book geared toward the reader realizing the potential of the real power of Christ in their life. With over 180 different topical devotionals, there’s something that is applicable to everyone. The daily reading is a quick read, though it is packed with insight and thought provoking words.

Sarah Young’s writing makes me feel as though Christ himself is speaking. Accompanied with her book Jesus Calling, this book is icing on the cake. This book is a tool to fulfilling Ephesians 3:16-19. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

The simplistic message in each devotional hits you straight where you need it. Powerful and revealing to see where God’s power is in your life. If you’re struggling at any level, this devotional will help you find traction back to the peace in which He calls us to.

Comment

I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

BORN ON CHRISTMAS DAY...

2009-12-25T01:52:00.002-06:00

The Christmas season is festive and bright,
Yet for some of us, there's no hope in sight.
Among the parties, gifts, and jingle bells,
There is a message that Christmas Day tells.

It was LOVE born on Christmas Day.
Love so divine only He could portray
Dying for us on the old rugged cross,
That everything else is counted as loss.

It was MERCY born on Christmas Day.
Mercy to meet my needs in every way.
To hold us and sustain us in this life.
Protecting us from decisions causing strife.

It wasn't Santa born on Christmas Day,
The seasonal man with a magical sleigh,
Whose gifts are based on "bad" and "good"
And love only if you act as you should.

It was GRACE born on Christmas Day.
Grace sufficient every step of the way
Giving us blessings we don't deserve
Nudging us to You, the One we serve.

It was HOPE born on Christmas Day.
Hope not found in the futile words we say.
That there's more to life than just living.
Like serving, loving, being, and giving.

It wasn't Santa born on Christmas Day.
The seasonal man with a magical sleigh.
Whose lightfooted reindeer define his grace,
As we age each year, hope loses importance.

Without the miracle of Christmas Day,
There would be no reason to celebrate.
When Jesus came to earth as a baby,
It wasn't based on a bet or just a "maybe".

He was a gift promised for many years.
A gift so treasured it brings us to tears.
The message that Christmas longs to tell you,
Is that a baby was born to make you NEW!

He came with gifts especially for you.
Grace, mercy, peace, love and hope are a few.
Remember when you're down and you dismay,
IT WAS JESUS BORN ON CHRISTMAS DAY!!!

Comment

FRESH START...

2009-11-15T23:53:00.002-06:00

If someone told you that accepting Christ would make your life a cake walk, they were wrong. Sometimes the journey gets a little rocky, and other times, we simply get stuck. Ever felt that way? Just wanted to start over? Have you ever struggled with figuring out where to start over? Struggling to make since of what’s gone wrong? Doug Fields, Saddleback Church pastor, offers 224 pages of his exposed thoughts on pride, rejection, anger, conflict, your past and pain. He addresses prime problems of being “stuck” and the underlying issues that need to be tackled before a true “Fresh Start” can occur. Though many of his books are youth focused, benefits will be reaped from readers of all ages and stages of faith.

This book is practical and raw. Each chapter has examples, many personal of his own experience, and shows practical ways based in biblical foundations to move forward. Being stuck is something we either have all faced, are facing, or will face. With the reader diving in and being real, reflecting with God on the real condition of his/her heart, connectedness with Christ and His Word can nudge us out of our “stuckness” and into the “Fresh Start” you’ve been looking for.

Remember to walk in Faith, and trust the One who started the journey.

Comment

I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

WHAT'S YOUR ISSUE?

2009-10-30T02:36:00.000-05:00

I recently heard someone talking about the teaching of the sick woman in Mark 5. You've heard it before, but let me remind you of the passage:

21 Jesus got into the boat again and went back to the other side of the lake, where a large crowd gathered around him on the shore. 22 Then a leader of the local synagogue, whose name was Jairus, arrived. When he saw Jesus, he fell at his feet, 23 pleading fervently with him. “My little daughter is dying,” he said. “Please come and lay your hands on her; heal her so she can live.” 24 Jesus went with him, and all the people followed, crowding around him. 25 A woman in the crowd had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding. 26 She had suffered a great deal from many doctors, and over the years she had spent everything she had to pay them, but she had gotten no better. In fact, she had gotten worse. 27 She had heard about Jesus, so she came up behind him through the crowd and touched his robe. 28 For she thought to herself, “If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed.” 29 Immediately the bleeding stopped, and she could feel in her body that she had been healed of her terrible condition. 30 Jesus realized at once that healing power had gone out from him, so he turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my robe?” 31 His disciples said to him, “Look at this crowd pressing around you. How can you ask, ‘Who touched me?’” 32 But he kept on looking around to see who had done it. 33 Then the frightened woman, trembling at the realization of what had happened to her, came and fell to her knees in front of him and told him what she had done. 34 And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.”

After I got home that night, I opened my Bible to this passage and began to read it again. I had a discussion with a local pastor prior to this where we talked about the Blood of Christ - it's power, it's meaning, and the grace behind it. Still contemplating this discussion and this passage, God began to reveal something to me.

As I read it, I was struck amazed all over again with the immediate healing power. The woman in this passage suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding. The KJV states it as an "issue of blood". I can't image what this woman was suffering from. I can't image the physical issue, let alone the other issues that surrounded that physical one. She had been to many doctors. Seeking an answer to her condition, something to make her well. She spent everything she had. According the Levitical Code, she would have been unclean for those twelve years. That label meant that she couldn't worship in the Temple and isolated her from society. Anyone who touched her became unclean for the rest of the day.

Sick. Ashamed. Alone. Broke. Concerned.

That was her heart. She had more than an issue of blood. That issue carried with it a label that defined her by society's standards. She was more than her "issue of blood". She had a condition of the heart, a condition, of the mind, a condition that only Jesus could heal. Her faith… wow… amazes me. "If I can just touch his robe…" She believed with everything in her that healing lied within Him. So much that just a touch would heal her. Just a touch. No miraculous prayer, no laying on of hands, nothing extreme. Just a touch.

Jesus was on his way to Jairus's house, whose daughter was dying. His request was for Him to come and lay hands so she would live. His compassion lead him on a journey to his house. On the way, the instant she touched Him, he knew. He knew that power had left him… healing power. A trembling woman emerged from the crowd to confess that indeed she had touched His robe. His confirmation speaks volumes to me…

“Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.”

We all have issues of blood. Not like this woman… but we all have matters of the heart, the soul, and the mind that simply need the Master's healing touch. Issues of life… divorce, drug addiction, a sick child, parent or spouse, a death of a friend, domestic abuse, bad decisions, a child's wayward actions or attitude, a job loss, etc. Regardless of the title, each of these can leave us financially destroyed, emotionally bankrupt, isolated, and seeking answers. What we want to hear is "Go in peace. Your suffering is over.” There are times, in all honesty, don't we just want the situation to end? It's not that easy though. This woman had faith. FAITH. Hebrews 11:1 says "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen". Faith in WHO God was and what He would do for her. She was healed immediately. When He spoke to her, he didn't just say your condition is healed. He told her that her suffering was over. Suffering… ended.

How I've needed to hear this in my own heart. There are days I struggle with the labels given to me by society. Some of the decisions I've made in my life haven't been the best or God honoring. I've lived with the labels that society imposes. I, like this woman, have an issue of blood - an issue only the Blood of Jesus can handle. The question lies in whether I can have faith in the promises of His word. God is who He says He is and will do accordingly in my life and for His glory. Healing isn't just for the physical. He seeks to heal every part of my life; mind, body, and soul.

I will continue to seek Him, in faith, knowing that the same power and Spirit that raised Christ from the dead gives me life and healing as well. (Romans 8:11)

GRANDPARENTS...

2009-09-13T23:11:00.005-05:00

Today is Grandparents Day. I had amazing grandparents. Louis and Louise Asbell. I just went a couple of weeks ago back to Missouri where they lived. Days like today, I miss them so much. I have sweet memories of the farm with my Grandpa, fishing at the ponds, and grocery shopping with my Grandma. Other memories of my Grandpa trying to convince me to have some of his "chewing gum" which was actually chewing tobacco. Ugh, disgusting. Other memories with my Grandma of cooking with her, on the green "stool/chair/ladder". I miss walks with Grandpa on the farm, and watching country/western movies with him. I hate country/western movies, but with him, it was different. I felt safe at their house, and with them. I miss them.

So for Grandparents Day today, I now look to my parents, who are Grandparents themselves. Every year at Danielle's school, they celebrate Grandparent's Day with an open house type of event. My parents came to pick me up at 5:45a.m. And we traveled to Chapel Hill to see the sweetest 2nd grader on the planet. She was ecstatic to see us! There are cookies and orange juice. She drank mine and hers. Somehow I knew that was going to happen! Dad's still struggling with his Bells Palsy episode, so some discussion was to be had as to "what is wrong with Grandpa". He is refusing to wear his eye patch (as noted by the picture). Once his eye began rolling and became very red and irritated, I insisted on him wearing it. I was a little afraid the kids were going to freak out. His eye doesn't need to be exposed, and so with a little "daughter" persuasion and insistence, he put it on. I had to guide him through the halls. We practiced his pirate voice, and Danny thought it was hilarious!

Danny told me she had a hard time going to sleep last night... She wanted us to come to be with her, but she didn't know if we were coming or not. We saw her artwork for the day, and her poem just for my Dad and Mom. I love that kid... and so do my parents. I love to watch them love on her and on Rebecca. I just wish it could happen more often.

Today I honor them... as Grandparents who love well. Thank you Mom and Dad for loving both of my nieces, individually and as amazing children of God. Thank you for desiring for them to know about Christ. Thank you for loving them despite how well they did in school, in spite of how well they do "in the world". Thank you for the example of marriage that sticks through it - still together after 40 years. Thank you for loving well.

Danielle had a great time with you both on Friday. I did, too.

Comment

DEAR GWEN...

2009-09-12T22:42:00.004-05:00

Photo by Eric Jones Photography

Dear Gwen:

Today you turn 4! I can't believe how fast you are growing up! Just seems like yesterday your mom was telling me she was pregnant with you... and when she went to the hospital. Time flies when we aren't looking. You are quite the little one with a big personality! I hate that I'm many miles away and can't spend more time with you. I love that you are great with your new baby sister, Alicen. You are a great Big Sister, and I'm so proud of you!

Mom tells me stories about what you're doing, and even sends pictures so "Auntie Bo" doesn't feel quite so far away. I have enjoyed watching you grow up! I'm awaiting great things for you.

God has a special plan awaiting you, and I'm thankful that I get to watch His plan unfold in your life.

Comment

FEARLESS by Max Lucado...

2009-09-08T03:07:00.020-05:00

In Max Lucado's newest release, Fearless, insight is given to some of our everyday fears that we face. Appropriately titled, he gives practical biblical approaches to some of the specific fears that individuals face with the ultimate desire to abandon fear and live with confidence that Christ has overcome all.

Received a rattling diagnosis from the doctor? Lost your job? Investments dwindled by the economy’s havoc? Do your circumstances cause you to ring your hands in fear and worry? In classic Lucado style, he engages you with the realization of fear and the biblical stories. The reality is that fear is a part of our world. I deal with fear, and if you’ll admit it, so do you. We are human, and fear exists. Many times, I know I have fear of certain things, several addressed in this book specifically. Then it’s a matter of dealing with that fear. Do I sit and fret? Analyze till there’s nothing left? Contemplate until I have worry lines?

2 Timothy 1:17 tells us, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Through reading this, I’ve been challenged to attack fear more intently. The call rings louder to be vigilant about the fear that grips our lives in various ways by attacking them with Scripture and Worship of the Father. This book will challenge you to acknowledge fear for what it is without being swept under the current. It will help you to know fear but encourage you to take an active role in your walk with God and battle fear for what it is.

Fearless is an easy read. Find out more from The Fearless Times Site or from Thomas Nelson.

Comment

I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

ON MY MIND...

2009-09-01T04:36:00.001-05:00

Tonight on my mind rests this little girl and her family...

If you don't know her, this is Kate McRae. When I see her pictures or videos of her, I smile. She fills my heart with joy, and reminds me of childhood innocence. Then I'm reminded of how I came to know of Kate. She is 5 years old, and she has an amazing story. In late June, this little girl was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I have followed the journey of this girl's fight with cancer since I heard of her diagnosis from blog friends of mine.

I've seen her parents be overjoyed at the small triumphs, and though I don't know them personally, I rejoice with them. I read their journal entries of rough days of chemotherapy and a 5 year old little girl who has lost her hair with concerns of what others will think of her, and I pray for strength and courage. Tonight I read the journal entry that consisted of tears, and I can't help but cry with them. I ache for them. I ache for a girl who should never know what cancer is or what chemotherapy or brain surgery is. I ache for her parents who only want wellness and healing for their child.

Kate is teaching me many things about God and the unity of the body of Christ. The McRae's live in Arizona. It is unlikely that I will ever meet them. It is unlikely that they will ever know that I exist. I'm okay with that. The importance in not in being known, but in WHOM we know that unites us. The courage and strength that this family is walking with is a pure testimony of God's provision in the most difficult times of life; those time that we simply want to throw our hands up in the air and scream at God: WHY? I'm sure the McRae's have shed their share of tears, and asked God their share of questions. But they are also pleading at the foot of the cross for their daughter's body to line up with the Word of God. They are praying for the ultimate healing and the total disappearance of this ugly thing called cancer. And on the other side of the country, I'm going to stand in faith with them, in agreement. As the three in the fire, may she come out unharmed and giving all glory and praise to God! (Dan 3:25)

Some have said this is extreme. Believe what you may. I chose to believe that God is bigger than any tumor. He is bigger than any financial distress, any job loss, any destroyed marriage, any wayward child, any diagnosis... and deemed hopeless event. He is our hope.

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13

AUTHENTIC AND UNCHANGING...

2009-07-28T01:52:00.008-05:00

It's the wee hours of the morning, and I'm awake again. This has been a trend for about three months. Even with Ambien, I'm not even close to catching the much needed Zzz's my body and mind are craving. Alas, I'm here, writing what's racing through my heart and mind.

Yesterday, I went to crosspoint.tv for the 11:45 service. Little did I know what God had in store for me. I was there a bit early and arrived during the prior service. I had resolved to just wait in the great cafe or one of the wonderful comfy chairs outside and just pray and prepare my heart for what God was going to say to me through worship and through Blake as He spoke through him. The longer I sat there the more I felt I was suppose to go in the service. I hate going in late to places. Okay if you know me, you know I'm practically late for almost everything. Just know, internally I'm beating myself up for it, and I despise being late. It's something I'm working on. Hence that I was SO early for this service that I was early enough to arrive during the previous service! Hop off the rabbit trail... As I felt like I was suppose to go into the service, I realize Blake had already begun speaking. I felt like God was telling me that there was something that was going to be said that morning that I was going to need to hear more than once. So I knew I needed to go in. I thought it'd be awkward to walk in while he was speaking, but eh, it's crosspoint.tv, and they're pretty laid back. At that moment, I think... I've seen kids doing cart wheels during Pete's messages before, surely I can walk in a grab a seat. So I did.. in the very back of the auditorium. I don't have the guts to walk in front of what seemed to be a thousand people to find a ton of empty seats up front.

Moses was our Rewind Character of the week. You can hear the entire message here. Something he had said in his teaching that morning was "God takes your mess and makes it your message." I had previously sat down with Blake and he'd briefly shared his mess, and I knew that God used it as his message. What I heard in the message intertwined with Moses was a message of grace, love, and forgiveness. It was more than the blood on the doorpost as we discussed Passover. And it was great watching him reach for the top of that doorpost! he he!

See, he told the rest of his story during the service that morning. He was as authentic as it gets. In the midst of his authenticity, he gave me a glimpse of hope. See, he spoke of how a man without judgment received him in love, and restored him to grace. I'm not talking about Jesus. I'm talking about his father-in-law. He spoke of his daughter who, while he wept in forgiveness, confirms him in love. A wife who continues to love and affirm him. I heard hope. See, it wasn't Jesus who loved Blake in his mess. It was a man. It was a daughter. It was a wife. It was here. It was now. It was Jesus through each of them... in an authentic way. In a mess, people at their best.

It was hope for me.

I looked in my Bible to something I had written a while back. Someone had asked me a question... What do you do when you're down?

I've been asking myself that for the past couple of months... The world seems to be crashing down all around my shoulders and the cares and concerns burden me so heavily that I don't think I can lift my head to pray...

I move past what I THINK.. and I rely upon what I KNOW.

God is unchanging. I lift my head anyway, and continue to take my cares and concerns to Him. I praise His name for the wonderful this He is doing. I praise Him and thank Him for His faithfulness. He alone is my Tower and Refuge.

I climb into that Tower and look to the Hope.

Comment

FREEDOM AND CHOICES...

2009-07-04T21:33:00.002-05:00

As I'm listening to fireworks from downtown Nashville and from Brentwood kickoff, I'm reminded about freedom. From backyard picnics, lake house leisure, and community gatherings, celebrations all across the nation will take place to honor our freedom in this great nation. With the many symbols of freedom, my appreciation and gratitude deepens as I remember the ultimate price that was paid.

I'm thinking about freedom and what it gives me. Choices.

Choices that make up the sum of my life. Some are simple... Will I choose to hit the snooze on the alarm clock today? Or will I even set it? What will I have for dinner? Paper or plastic? Buy or lease? Okay, maybe the buy or lease needs more analysis than paper or plastic, but... Choices are an everyday thing, sometimes a moment to moment thing. The enemy would love to taunt me with some bad choices I've made over the course of my life. And in all honesty, there are days that I struggle to not live the life of the sum of those negative choices. Thankfully there's something so much more available.

I'm reminded that I've been given an ultimate choice with a life changing opportunity with it. A choice to live an abundant life for Christ or chose life my way. The past couple of months have been quite a journey for me. I've had quite a few questions. Crosspoint was going through a series called "Questions". How fitting? As I sat there each week, I was challenged... This last week Pete Wilson tackled a multitude of questions from the folks there, all on the cuff. While most of the questions in the mass audio/video of all four services weren't MY questions, it gave me a basis to search out some answers in the Word. I went home that night, pouring my heart out to God with my questions, I realized, it's okay to ask questions. The peace God gave me was that the questions aren't the issue. It's knowing that whatever the answer is, He will be in it.

The real question that we were left with on that last day was "What will you do with Jesus?" In Luke 9:20, Jesus asked Peter, "Who do you say that I am?" I don't think in the midst of my questions that I'd thought about the question He asked of me. I was convicted again... Do I honestly believe Jesus is who He says He is? Do I wholeheartedly rest in the confidence of His Word? Do I believe that the Christ of yesterday is the same today, and that He will be the same tomorrow? Do I hold on to my sin, questions, concerns, and burdens because I fear that God will fail me - that He WON'T be who he said he was?

Here is my ultimate choice and where I get to exercise real freedom. Will I let Christ free me from religion, guilt, the past, sin, and many other aspects of my life that I try to hold on to. Galatians 5:1 says "It is for FREEDOM that Christ has set you free." The gift of salvation and grace was not a one time thing. His grace sustains me and covers me daily. I cannot live under a regiment of rules, even if they are biblical. God desires relationship from me. Each day, each moment. One on one love relationship with the one who died for me. The ultimate freedom comes when that relationship becomes a lifestyle...

I'm in a process of allowing Christ to free me of the past. Though I am confident of His ability, this is an immediate thing for me. Don't be discouraged, He CAN do that for me, and He can do it for you too. He's teaching me some key things that I need to learn in this process. The process requires I let go, learn of Him and others, and let Him use my life, my bad choices for HIS glory.

I'm amazed that God would pursue me like He has over the past couple of months. I'm seeking Him. His word remains true - If you seek Him, you WILL find Him. I am finding Him, just as He promised.

I'm thankful for the freedom that I've been given in my country, but ultimately, I'm forever grateful for the freedom that Christ has given!

WELCOME ALICEN!

2009-07-01T06:13:00.011-05:00

Don't you just adore the lip curl?

Very sweet feet!

IDOLATRY...

2009-06-20T00:41:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking a lot about God... and a lot about me and God. Thinking about His goodness, grace, mercy, understanding, love, peace, joy, faithfulness... I could go on and on and on.. Well, you get the picture.

The statement of Jesus is either Lord of all or He's not Lord at all. This has hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been my own judge and jury. I've judged everything I've ever done. I hate myself for the decisions and for who I've become because of them. I hate that I chose those things. I hate they they had terrible consequences. I just hate myself, period.

My issue has many layers. If you aren't comfortable reading this... Now's a good time to say a prayer and close the window. It began because I needed to feel real on some days. But other days, I felt everything but couldn't identify any feeling whatsoever. It became a release of all of the things happening that I didn't/couldn't understand. Overtime it's become an addiction to a degree. Don't get me wrong... Those reasons stated above still apply. I still did it for those reasons. More than those though, it was my punishment. It was my payment for what I had done. I'm the Queen of my own land... The kicker is... I'm the only one in my land. I don't want people in it. I don't welcome most in, and those that do get welcomed in usually don't stay long. I'm alone. Really alone. No one joins me. No one truly understands. The land I live in is dark, depressing, and dreary. No one visits. Alone. So alone I continue to be and continue my depressing life every day. I am playing God...

Guess what...? A lonely queen can be wrong once and a while. What God began to stir in my heart is that I'm not allowing Him to be God. I'm now accepting His gift. See... My blood was more important than His. My blood was better to cover my sins and iniquities. My blood was valued more than His. That is NOT Lordship. That is IDOLATRY! I'm choosing my blood over HIS! His sacrifice is in VAIN! My blood is temporary and provides little cleansing. It is temporary. That feeling of release, punishment, and being alive fades quickly. The pain comes back. The anger returns. The memories flood in. The flashbacks become more obtrusive. The shame. Oh, the shame. There will never be enough of my blood. I have to keep going back. It never completes things. It really never makes me feel better long-term. What I'm coming to "get" is that His is TOTALLY cleansing. One drop covers all... He bore scars for the sin of man... He bore scars for my sin. He bore scars for my scars. He completes the pain. He gives it meaning. He gives peace in the midst of the storm. 1 Peter 3:18 ~ For Christ died for sins ONCE FOR ALL, the righteous and for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit." (emphasis mine) Once for all... For me? YES. I get that He died for me. I don't get why He wants me. I don't get why He's willing to take my sin. I'm in awe and wonder of the cross.

As long as my spirit remains in this flesh, I will ALWAYS have a reminder of the sin of idolatry. At the cross, I'm no longer queen. I'm a child of the King. I'm in a new land now... the PROMISED LAND. I'm in a land with FULL ACCESS to the King. No special treatment to see Him. No need to make an appointment. There are no inconvenient times. There are no interruptions when I meet with Him. At the cross, I am whole. At the cross, my ransom is paid. At the cross, I am shadowed by his outstretched arms. At the cross, his height of holiness stands as tall as the sky. At the cross, it makes sense. At the cross, I can ask questions, and I don't need an answer. At the cross, He IS the answer.

I don't know that I could right now define what the cross exactly means to me... I guess because it's changing. It is still all the things I learned in college. It's all those things I learned in Sunday School. It's still a very wonderful testimony of God's love for us. It's becoming more than the cardboard cutouts and felt illustrations of my childhood. It's becoming to mean more to me.

As for now... I'm working on killing the things of the flesh. Moment to Moment....

Galatians 5:19-23
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you , as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of god. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Here's the struggle straight from Paul's mouth... Romans 7:21-24
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?

I failed this aspect of walking with Him today. I'm praying THIS moment is different. I'm praying tomorrow is different. I'm crying out to Him anyway I can..

LOST IN ALL YOUR GRACE...

2009-06-11T02:33:00.003-05:00

FREESET BAGS...

2009-04-12T00:09:00.004-05:00

If I've been stopped once, I've been stopped at least a couple of dozen times about the latest bag that I've been carrying. It's a Freeset Bag made in India. It has a story, and it's below for those that want to know. More than the look, I bought it because I thought, what a great cause. That's something that I can support here at home, and have an impact across the world. They are made of jute which is a natural fiber, and is eco-friendly. They also manufacturing bags from synthetic materials such as p.p. non-woven. So, eco-friendly, giving her a job and a purpose. There are many designs and looks that they have, and you can even custom design your bag. Here are several websites that sell their products. Yes, these are made in India, but they partner with three specific companies here in the US to sell their products. There are others that sell them, i.e. on Ebay, but these are cheaper, at least as I've found.

Asha Imports
Better Way Imports
Freeset USA

The Freeset Story

Freeset Bags was founded in 2001 and employs women who once worked in the notorious red-light district of Calcutta, providing an escape from a life of virtual slavery. They utilize locally-available and sustainable jute fiber to craft unique, eco-positive bags. Childcare, health care and literacy programs are provided so artisans can earn a fair wage in a healthy work environment, while building a better future for themselves and their daughters.

Each Freeset Bag tells a story of one woman's journey to freedom. She used to stand with 6,000 other prostitutes in a small but well known area of North Calcutta. She didn't choose her profession; it chose her. Poverty does that. It robs people of their dignity and children of their innocence.

She still lives in the same area, but instead of selling her body she makes Freeset Bags. Now she has choices, the choice to work decent hours for decent pay, to re-establish her dignity in her community and to learn to read and write. Now her daughter won't have to stand in the street selling her body like her mother used to. Freedom has been passed on to the next generation.

By purchasing a Freeset Bag, you become part of the story of freedom. Thank you!

Menaka's Story
*all names have been changes*

Menaka was born in Bangladesh, when she was 12, Menaka and her family were forced out of their homes along with other Hindu families They managed to escape to a refugee camp on the border of India.

Menaka made friends with a 30 year old woman in one of the nearby houses where she used to sneak in to use the toilet. The woman often asked Menaka to go to Calcutta with her. Menaka always refused, until one day, she had a fight with her sister and without telling her parents, left with her friend for Calcutta.

Menaka’s friend took her to Calcutta’ largest red-light district and sold her to a brothel owner for 1000 rupees (US$22). The brothel owner’s sister was furious, “Why have you bought such a young girl?” she yelled at Menaka’s owner. “Send her back now!” But if they sent Menaka back her family they would know what had happened. So Menaka waited while they decided what to do with her.

At this time, a man took a liking to Menaka and negotiated a price with her madam – 500 rupees: Menaka was a virgin and worth a high price. The man took her to a room, locked the door and sat her down. He drank whiskey, she drank Coca Cola - she’d never heard of it before but accepted and drank. She began to feel groggy and realized that she had been drugged. As the man began to make advances, Menaka tried to run, releasing one door bolt but she couldn’t reach the top bolt. Twelve-year-old Menaka was raped.

Over the next few months, Menaka was moved from brothel to brothel to avoid detection by police looking for underage girls. Eventually she was abandoned in Ram Bagan a small red-light area where she stayed. It was there a notorious local gangster took an interest in Menaka. They began to live together.

When men approached Menaka for sex, the gangster would chase them away, even beat them - he had fallen in love. He wanted her to stop selling her body. Looking back now, Menaka says: “He stopped me - and I stopped him.” Today Menaka’s husband has abandoned crime; he’s a mild-mannered man whom Menaka has learned to love. They both still live in the main lane where many girls stand in line waiting for customers but life is very different now.

Over the years, Menaka’s parents tracked her down but the shame surrounding her situation meant there was no communication. Since Menaka joined Freeset, she has been given tremendous hope- she has learned to dream of seeing her family again.

Menaka’s father died some time ago but she has visited her mother in Bangladesh, whom she hasn’t seen since she was 12. They have begun the process of restoration. Freedom is on its way.

Shyamali's Story
*all names have been changed*

The years Shyamali spent married as a young girl were filled with agony and shame- Shyamali was barren. She found little understanding from her parents, who also blamed her for the barrenness and divorce.

Forced from her home, Shyamali went to live with an aunt. There, while sitting at a local tea shop, she was introduced to a man who asked where her husband was. She poured out her story to the stranger. He listened, and appeared to understand. When he offered to take her to Calcutta and find her a good job, she thought that someone finally cared enough help.

Telling her aunt she was going to see her mother, Shyamali left for Calcutta. As soon as she arrived the man took her to Sonagacchi and sold her to a madam. On the first day she was treated very nicely. On the second day she was given a very short skirt – she asked what to do with it. “Don’t you know where you are?” her madam replied. “Wear this and go on the road and wait for customers.” Shyamali refused. Her madam said, “OK – you pay me my money back. If you don’t, all the pimps will beat you up.” It was then she discovered that the man who brought her to Calcutta was a pimp.

Afraid, she put on the skirt. They cut her hair and forced her onto the road. Her madam, still unhappy with her response, beat her so badly that the scars on her head remain today.

Sick of her outbursts on the street, Shyamali’s madam sent her to her daughter’s brothel. There, she and many others were kept indoors, with the customers brought to the womens’ rooms. None of the women were allowed out of their rooms at all. They never saw the same man twice, just in case a customer took a liking to a woman and tried to release her.

A year later, while the brothel-keeper was in hospital, one of the women told Shyamali to run away while she could. Shyamali stole 4 saris, a box of money and caught a bus to return to her aunt’s. Once there, she learned that her mother was worried sick about her. It was hard to go back home, but Shyamali missed her mother, too. She found her mother in a state, with a broken wrist. Using the stolen money, Shyamali paid for her mother’s treatment and nursed her.

Having few options, Shyamali went to work at a brothel in Asansol for few months, where she met a woman who took her back to Sonagacchi. Her new madam treated her well, and even when she moved to an area close by would visit and check that she was OK.

Five years ago Shyamali met a man who has become her partner. She has new hope for the future. Today she doesn’t have to stand in line, waiting for men to use her. She has a stake in a business in Calcutta. Although she has only recently learned to sew jute bags, her progress is rapid. Soon she might become a supervisor and perhaps one day she will count other women who she is helping as her children – the ones she never had.

Bashanti's Story
*all names have been changes*

Bashanti was born into a loving but poor family in Bangladesh. Her parents arranged her marriage to a local 16 year-old boy.

Her new family treated her as a slave. Athough she was only 7 or 8 when she married, she was expected to fully participate as his wife. At fifteen, she bore a son who died 18 days later.

Her grief and shame forced her back to her father’s house. She remembers her father sat crying while they fetched her mother to tell her the news.

In Bashanti’s second marriage, she was also abused by the family. There abuse turned to torture when her second son also died. Again she ended up back in her father’s house.

Bashanti then had a series of jobs where she found herself sexually harassed. When she declined a proposal for marriage, in fear of it ending like the first two, her job was terminated. It was while she was working in a rice field that she was offered a sewing job in Calcutta by a another women. That is how Bashanti ended up in Sonnagachi.

Bashanti remembers her first customer like it was yesterday. She was chosen from the many women who stood in line. Having negotiated with the man, her madam said to her “boste dow” (it means, in Bangla, give him a seat), so she did what she was told and asked the man to sit down. After 20 minutes of sitting and waiting the man became furious. “How long will I sit,” he demanded. Banshanti hadn’t realised that “boste dow” was street language for sex. She couldn’t bring herself to do it. She fought and screamed and the man eventually gave up and left in a rage. Her madam, furious at her loss of income, beat her.

Bashanti learned she was going to be moved again. She hoped they had given up on her and would let her be a housemaid. But her new “home” proved to be the place where she would give in. The house was full of girls from Bangladesh, all of them prostitutes. She remembers their advice: “We got trapped, too, but we had no choice. We had to compromise and so do you if you want to survive.” That night Bashanti gave up.

She says she always imagined, even after her divorces, that one day she would be a housewife with a husband and children. Now her nights were no longer for sleeping – there were customers, and tears.

Bashanti spent many years in the trade, moving around different red-light areas of Calcutta. But though she was trapped, she always remembered her responsibility towards her family. She managed to arrange for her two younger sisters to get married, and her focus today is to care for her elderly parents and little brother – along with her 2 ½-year-old daughter and a new man who looks after her well.

Bashanti was introduced to Freeset by a friend who also had been a prostitute. Freedom was something that she had forced herself not to think about. Now, she has completed 3 months training and is ready to sew export-quality jute bags.

In a way, it brings her back full circle: She came to Calcutta with the promise of a sewing job. Many years later, she’s doing just that – and not just sewing. Freeset is about freedom. Bashanti sews bags for freedom.

FINALLY HOME...

2009-03-29T21:43:00.002-05:00

MY AUNT MARY KILLMER

She had quadruple bypass surgery on March 18th. The surgery went well despite the complications of her receiving two pints of blood that weren't her blood type. After surgery, she was transferred to the ICU as expected. Due to the mismatched blood transfusion, they were watching her closely. Around 8:00 that night, she had to have emergency surgery to repair an internal staple and graph that had come loose causing internal bleeding. In ICU, she was on a ventilator, and other life support machines to keep her body going. We were relieved after this that she was somewhat stable but still very critical. Over the course of the next several days, her state deteriorated. They never gave her pain medication for the surgery, and the only response she ever gave to voice was that her eyes rolled to the ceiling. She really never regained full consciousness after the surgeries. It was determined on Friday from an MRI that after her surgeries, she suffered multiple strokes on both sides of her brain, leaving her unable to communicate.

Based on the MRI results, it was decided that the machines would be turned off. Aunt Mary was taken off of life support around 11:30 a.m. on March 28, 2009 and passed away at 2:51 p.m.

Though I am sad that she departs from this earthly life, I rejoice for her more anticipated homecoming. My aunt Mary is HOME, and I can't be more thankful! While I remain here on this earth, I will cherish the memories I have with her, and look forward to my own Homecoming and the time when I will be reunited with her once again.

God has consistently shown Himself in this situation, and He's not done. I'm watching the good that He's promised come from this situation, and I'm trusting Him with what seems like loss to the flesh man to be gain to the spiritual man. Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.

I serve an amazing God. He has ordained every step and every part of our lives including our death. I'm trusting Him with the faithfulness of His Word.

Please rejoice with my family as we rejoice in the homecoming of a sister who's gone home to be with our Abba.

Mary Killmer daughter of the late William Wesley Asbell and Grace Davis Asbell, was born on October 1, 1934 near Bloomfield and departed this life in the St. John’s Regional Medical Center at Joplin on March 28, 2009 at the age of 74.

Mrs. Killmer was a Charter Member of the Friendship Baptist Church in Dexter, the former secretary for Dr. Harold Poe and a resident of Dexter.

She was united in marriage to Loren “BUD” Killmer on November 11, 1960 at Dexter. Mr. Killmer preceded her in death on November 9, 2003.

Survivors include one son and daughter-in-law, Rick and Elizabeth “Libby” Killmer of Pittsburg, Kansas; by one sister, Virgie Wilson of Dexter; by three grandchildren, Mary Elizabeth Mowdy and husband Greg of Pittsburg, Kansas, Cody Lee Killmer and wife Amity of Enterprise, Alabama and Colt Wesley Killmer of Pittsburg, Kansas; by one great granddaughter, Heather Mowdy of Pittsburg, Kansas.

Besides her husband and parents, she was preceded in death by three brothers, Walter W. Asbell, Alfred Asbell and Louis Asbell; by two sisters, Iva Jane Asbell and Ruthy May Barker; by two nieces, Karen Wilson and Lisa Rogers Smith; by one nephew, Ronald Walter Asbell.

Friends may call at the Rainey-Mathis Funeral Home in Dexter from 5:00 until 8:00 P. M., Friday, April 3, 2009. Funeral services will be conducted at 10:00 A. M., Saturday, April 4, 2009 in the Rainey-Mathis Funeral Chapel with Rev. Mike Watkins officiating. Interment will follow in the Chalk Bluff Cemetery.

A FOOL...

2009-01-16T21:05:00.000-06:00

"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." - Jim Elliott

JUST A FEELING...

2008-11-30T22:05:00.000-06:00

I've had this week off for vacation for the Thanksgiving Holiday. This time has afforded me the privilege to really reflect on those things for which I'm thankful. I've thought about quite a few things, quite a few people and quite a few experiences. I come to realize that being thankful is more than just a feeling, it's becoming my attitude in life.

I haven't always been thankful for these things... but with Christ, I'm realizing that I'm truly thankful for it all.

First and foremost... I'm thankful for Christ. Through Him, I am able to have relationship with God. He's done so much in my life in the past four years. I'm thankful for the amazing restorative and redemptive power that encompasses who He is. I look back on my life four years ago, and I'm in a completely different place. God is so good. He restored an addict. He healed the brokenness in my heart. He's shown me life... more abundant. I'm thankful for His unconditional love. Even when I don't live for Him, and I fall into the flesh, He's there to hear my plea of forgiveness. When idolatry is the sin of choice, His love is greater than my sin. His grace is more than enough. He's all I need.... Quite honestly, He's all I have.

I'm thankful for my family. This year, I went to my parent's house for Thanksgiving. We've not always had the best of relationships. Circumstances in each person's life seemed to breed bitterness, anger and resentment. What I've come to see is that without taking those things to God, we end up taking out those things on each other. We've recently come out of a "spat" that lasted about six months. Is it true that distance makes the heart grow fonder? I'm not sure, but what I do know, is that God is doing some amazing things in our lives and the family. Granted, we still argue. We still fight. But this year... I told my dad I loved him for the first time in probably a decade. Love has found it's way back into the family. Not to the level which it needs to be, but it's there. It's all God. Each year, I've made arrangements to have Thanksgiving with friends and such sometime in the evening because after a couple of hours together, things usually get a little on the rough side. This year... eight hours after arriving, I was dreading leaving. For the first time in many years, it was more than a meal, it was a reason to celebrate. God is good.

I'm thankful for the people God has placed in my life. Over the past two years, I've been blessed. Blessed in so many ways. God has brought people into my life that have met needs that they didn't know I had. From mortgage payments, hospital bill payments, to eye glasses, to laughs, to hugs, to love... and even rebuke. They've all helped me grow and see God for who He is. It's not about the people, other than the example of being willing and available to be used by Him. They've shown me that I can make a difference by listening and obeying God, no matter if it seems ludicrous. They've been a true example that "God loves obedience more than sacrifice."

I'm thankful for my health. This year's been rocky with a few minor issues. I'm believing God for healing. He is my Jehovah-Raphe. I'm thankful that with a couple of great God-fearing doctors, treatment has begun, and I've been feeling much better. He instantly healed my ankle last year. I'm thankful for the God that heals.

I've got a list about a mile long, that I won't bore you with. I've come to appreciate the small things... The big things are easy to be thankful for. Those things that we need are easy to be thankful for. What about the difficulties that challenge us? What about those things that we didn't need, those that ultimately change the course of our lives? What about the unexpected things? I've come to understand that I may not understand it all at the moment... and I may not be thankful at the moment... but gratitude in every circumstance is what Christ desires from me. It's those difficult places, those challenging times, and unexpected circumstances that I find at the top of my list.

I'm thankful for each of you. God bless.

SHAKEN TO ASSURANCE...

2008-10-15T00:37:00.001-05:00

I'm home tonight a little on edge about my doctor's appointment tomorrow. Why? Not sure. I'm certain that God is in control. My steps are ordained by Him. He knew this day would come before I was born. He has everything planned out for my life... from birth to death.

The uncertainty of tomorrow and what it holds could drive any of us mad. From finances, jobs, relationships, and health, trusting in my understanding and the reassurance that I create, I fall apart. Intentionally, I don't try to make it on my own, but when I depend on my own resources, I forget the hand of provision on my life and the fact that He will take care of my concerns. He will see me through. I sometimes relate the outcome to whether or not God took care of it. Reality is, He is in control no matter what the test results say, no matter what the bank statement says, how much I like or dislike my job, or whether or not I am married, single, dating or not...

My circumstances do NOT change God's promises! How reassuring! Whatever I'm facing, God remains the same. What shakes me does NOT shake God. He is my rock and my fortress! (Ps 18:2)

I'm holding to Zephaniah's words tonight...

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

I am choosing to let God quiet my heart. He hasn't given me a spirit of fear. I will rest in His love regardless of my circumstances... and in that rest in His arms as he sings in delight.

COMMANDS & INSTRUCTION....

2008-08-25T02:52:00.004-05:00

Ever been so tired that you just want to do nothing and crash? A busy week that took it's toil on you physically, mentally, and/or emotionally? Ever returned home from a missions trip to desire nothing but a decent shower and American food? I have. It takes you to a place that you know what you want, and anything that stands in opposition to that is simply a hindrance and must be set aside till another time.

I was reading and studying Mark 6:30-44. This is Mark's account of the feeding of the 5,000. I've heard and read this story more times than I can count. After a study on this passage, God began to reveal some things to me. Thoughts generated about my walk, my life, my responses, my testimony of my relationship with Him.

See, the apostles set out as missionaries, had just returned and they were, as we are introduced to them, meeting with Jesus and telling Him all that had happened. Can you picture yourself here? I've been on several missions trips, 1 to Poland, and 2 to Mexico, and several stateside. No matter where I've been, God has shown up. When I get back, I desire to tell anyone and everyone what God did - in me, through me and for me. Imagine sitting with Jesus... Imagine telling Him the wonderful things His Father had done... It's humbling to think about.

Jesus decided to call them away for rest. As they talked about their missionary journey, people were constantly coming to them. Imagine having something to share with Jesus, and not being able to finish a sentence. Imagine being interrupted just when you get to the part that meant so much to you. There wasn't even time to eat. So... Jesus got in a boat with them and they departed. Their departure didn't stop the people. They had been identified and the people were running on foot along the shoreline, only to beat them to where they were going. Can you imagine the frustration of the disciples? They thought they were going to get a moment of rest... a moment with Jesus... alone. No ministry to the sick. No healing the diseased. No deliverance to those in chains. They had an agenda of rest... and time with God.

Here's where God began to stir some thoughts in my heart and mind. They were interrupted from their journey. Their place of solitude became a place of ministry. What would have been my perspective from the boat? All the people? Or would I have been moved with compassion like Jesus? Some days, honestly, I'm not sure. I would love to think that I would see their needs. I would love to believe that my heart would be sensitive to real needs in people's lives.... I'd love to believe it - if I followed that compassion with what God asked me to do.

Jesus was moved with compassion. Jesus... moved with compassion. He was sensitive to know their need, even before they asked. He knew these folks needed some guidance and they needed some instruction. What is Jesus to do, but to teach them. Meet their need. That was His life's mission - to ultimately meet the needs of our heart and life. He taught until it was late. The disciples thought about the possible needs of the people. They knew they were probably hungry after being with Jesus all day.

They went to Jesus and made a command to Him to release the people... in order that they may go and find sustenance for their bellies. Jesus replied... "You feed them." WOW.

How many times have I made a statement to God, not based on scripture, but based on emotion, based on my circumstance. Not necessarily demanding action from Him, more like telling Him, you HAVE to do this. Through this passage of scripture, God reminded me today about my commands to Him. Anytime I make a command or request something of God, I should NEVER be shocked to hear Him reply, "You __________." He told the disciples, "You feed them." He released them to do what He could in the lives of the thousands seeking Him. I love the disciples simply because I'm constantly reminded that I'm just like them.... or they were just like me... Either way, I relate to them. The NLT states their response was "With what?" They doubted what God commanded them to do. They doubted His provision for their instruction. They didn't have faith in the one that was with them that freely gave ALL things to anyone and everyone who had a need. They ultimately found five loaves of bread and two fish. A decent size meal for a family, but for several thousand people...

Here's where God kicked me in the teeth. When He releases me through instruction, He will provide. In the end, the thousands of people were fed, and the disciples gathered enough to take home a basket each (12) of leftovers. God won't force me or you into obedience. He won't force us to serve Him in faith. God doesn't force us to do anything. That's why He's God. Otherwise, he'd be a dictator. He provides for them... A job given to the disciples. Jesus blessed the bread and began to break it. That basket went forever. I've tried to imagine myself as one of the disciples that day. I think I would have brought this up to someone that the bread on my platter wasn't going away. After the 500th person came by and the bread hadn't changed, I'd be calling somebody. The thing is, the disciples missed the amazing opportunity to be used by God to meet the needs of the people. Not only that, but they didn't get it at all. Spiritually and mentally it went right over their heads... They were there, tired and wanting rest, but all the while absent from the opportunity that God had placed in their laps.

How many times do I respond to God's instruction with a response of "with what?" How many times have I focused on the enormity of the 5,000 people and not on their need? How many times have I missed the opportunity to be used by Him because I've not sought out through faith what He'd have me do... I'm convinced, if He's given me the assignment, He'll see to it's completion.

All I know is that often in prayer I am quick to "tell" God what I need. Sometimes He's waiting for my obedience to His responsive instruction to my situation. I don't want to miss the opportunities of blessing for myself or for others because of my perspective. I'm praying for more compassion. I'm praying for a more sensitive heart to the needs of others. I'm also praying that He'd develop his strength in me to be His vessel to speak to others.

Commands breed instruction. I desire to follow Him whatever that instruction looks like.

FREE LOVE

2008-05-16T07:58:00.000-05:00

They have invented a phrase, a phrase that is a black and white contradiction in two words ~ 'free love' ~ as if a lover ever had been, or ever could be, free. It is the nature of love to bind itself, and the institution of marriage merely paid the average man the compliment of taking him at his word."

~ G. K. Chesterton

ADVICE FROM MAX LUCADO

2008-05-15T21:12:00.000-05:00

Love God more than you fear hell.
Make major decision in a cemetery.
When no one is watching, live as if someone is.
Succeed at home first.
Don't spend tomorrow's money today.
Pray twice as much as you fret.
God has forgiven you; you'd be wise to do the same.

ALLELUIA! AMEN!

2008-05-10T23:14:00.000-05:00

Lord Jesus, I praise You for giving me Your body and Your blood - for calling me to gather with other believers as Your family to remember what You did for us, what You gave and what it cost You. Thank you for feeding me the bread of life and satisfying my thirst with the cup that I pass from friend to friend. Thank you for these visible, tangible symbols that make Your love for us more vivid. But I praise You most of all that this ordinance that I share with my fellow believers is not the sad remembrance of Your defeat but rather the joyful celebration of Your victory over sin.

Alleluia! Amen!

RUNNING ON EMPTY...

2008-04-30T22:37:00.000-05:00

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
Psalm 119:105

I was thinking last night as I was driving home from Emily's birthday dinner. As I drove home, I was thinking I needed to get gas for my car. I needed to have gotten gas about 20 miles prior to these thoughts. Emily doesn't live anywhere near a gas station, at least not my route home.

I, too, haven't been sleeping well in the slightest for about two weeks. I'm averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night. Mind you, it's not quality, it's just quantity. I've been exhausted for the past week, trying each night to get rest to sustain me for the next day.

As I was driving last night, I was looking at the gas gauge and the speedometer. Good thing a cop wasn't nearby, or I would have been in a world of hurt. Confession - I was going too fast. Regardless... My gas gauge was on "E" and the "Hello Idiot, you need to fill gas tank" light was on... And had been on for several miles - Running on empty.

I have been running on empty for days.... Actually two weeks. Though I had no gas in my tank, I still was able to go to work and function quite normally. No one's head was bitten off - which is a miracle! I'm on a journey with Him. He's taking me somewhere beyond what I can see. Sometimes I question it. Sometimes I quite hesitant. Many times I resist... Why? Fear. The enemy tries to tell me it can't be done. Change. That's difficult and it requires something of me. It requires me to give something up. It requires discipline. But as long as I stay on that journey, He'll sustain me. Whether my gas tank is full or empty, he will sustain me. He's given me strength this week to do more than I could ever imagine! If left up to me, I would have been in the bed the past three days with some sleep aid pills. God has a different plan for me. He's teaching me something through this, and if a lesson is involved, I'm okay with it.

My drive home reminded me of His sustaining power. Regardless of how empty I feel, He is my strength when I am weak. He makes every step of my journey work stepping! Without Him my journey is just a useless walk. With Him, I have a purpose. With a purpose, my Abba, will take care of me. His word will guide me and show me each and every step of the way. He will comfort me when I am down. He will protect me when my enemies attack. He will go before me and be my shelter. He will be my Provider. He will be my Strength. He will be my Defender. He will be my EVERYTHING. What an amazing thought!!!

Though running on "E" in the flesh, spiritually we always have a full tank when we are relying on Him.

THE ROAD TO SUCCESS

2008-04-16T00:17:00.000-05:00

THE ROAD TO SUCCESS IS NOT STRAIGHT

There is a curve called FAILURE....
A loop called CONFUSION....
Speed bumps called FRIENDS....
Red lights called ENEMIES....
Caution lights called FAMILY....
You will have flats called JOBS but....

If you have a spare called DETERMINATION....
An engine called PERSEVERANCE....
Insurance called FAITH....
A driver called JESUS....

YOU WILL MAKE IT TO A PLACE CALLED SUCCESS!

THE DIRECTION OF LOVE...

2008-01-28T23:49:00.000-06:00

We are driven by love, driven to love, and even driven from love.
- McManus, Soul Cravings

Love is a powerful thing. Love does some weird things to humans. It's not the thought of love that compels us, it is the experience of love that compels us beyond where we are to new levels.

We are driven by love...
I know my life has been radically changed by love. It drives me every second I'm alive. Love that experienced drives us to be better people. It challenges me to love more, to give unconditional love to folks who otherwise on a fleshly level don't deserve it. Why? Because I have been loved like that. I've seen love that prior to a year or so ago, was only a thought. I wasn't driven by what I didn't know.

Love has changed my life. Love of friends that saw more in me than I ever thought imaginable for myself. Love from spiritual mentors who showed me the most amazing love I could ever know or experience, God's love. A love from those folks that mirrored God's love...

We are driven to love...
Once I've experienced it... I want to know more about what this love is. I seek a deeper capacity to love as Christ loved each of us. I desire to experience more of love... more of God as I seek Him. It changes me every single second I'm alive, and yet I'm still not content with the level of love in which I live. I want more of God... to experience more of who He is, and more of His amazing and liberating love.

We are driven from love...
Love challenges. Love corrects. With that, we'll run from love. It's challenging to look at love and not be fearful. Fearful of the unknown about love and what it seeks from us in return. Many times love brings hurt. Love brings disappointment. Why... because in the flesh love comes with expectations. Those of us who have hurt greatly, know what it means to experience great love as we allow it to liberate us.

Perfect love casts out all fear. I don't have anything to fear seeking God's love. The past year and a half has been the most amazing journey of my life. He's radically changed my life and restored many things about me. I'm not perfect, never want to be something I'll never obtain... I just want to seek my Savior in every situation, seek Him at every crossroad, at ever hurt, at every joy, at every challenge.

Love has the capacity to change our lives.
It changed mine... Forever.

SEEKING PASSIONATELY...

2008-01-21T23:42:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you just need to know that with all the change, something will stay the same. There's an old saying, the only thing you can count on is change. Between changes in the workplace, friendships, family, and many more aspects, I'm beginning to believe that statement. I use to hate change and the thought of new things. Why is it that we are so comfortable with the past? Maybe it's because I know at least I made it through the struggle. Maybe that's why I revert back to bad habits from the past. There’s comfort in the knowledge of knowing I made it before even if it wasn’t the best way…

This year… things are different. Even with an enormous amount of change, one thing remains the same. I want to seek Him with all that I have. I want my life to be radically changed because of Him and for Him. He promises that when I seek Him I WILL find Him. It’s not a hope that I’ll find Him! It’s guaranteed.

He's not some mysterious treasure to hunt... He's not a puzzle to decipher. He's simply the love of my life that I'm in passionate pursuit of. He's changing my life each day, each hour, each moment. Every moment I get to experience Him and experience life with Him, I am forever changed.

God, continue to stir within me the passionate desire for You and your word!!!!

S E E K I N G . C H R I S T . P A S S I O N A T E L Y

Why not join me in passionate pursuit of Him? It’s well worth the journey. His promises are below…

Deuteronomy 4:29 NAS
"But from there you will seek the LORD your God , and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul .

1 Chronicles 28:9 NAS
"As for you, my son Solomon , know the God of your father , and serve Him with a whole heart and a willing mind ; for the LORD searches all hearts , and understands every intent of the thoughts . If you seek Him, He will let you find Him; but if you forsake Him, He will reject you forever .

2 Chronicles 15:2 NAS
...The LORD is with you when you are with Him. And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him; but if you forsake Him, He will forsake you.

Proverbs 8:17 NAS
"I love those who love me; And those who diligently seek me will find me.

Jeremiah 29:13 NAS
'You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart .

Matthew 7:7 NAS
"Ask , and it will be given to you; seek , and you will find; knock , and it will be opened to you.

GREAT UNCLE WALTER...

2008-01-07T00:48:00.001-06:00

This is my Great Uncle Walter.... My grandpa's brother. We got to see him just a few months ago when we went to see Aunt Mary when she was moving out of the Nursing Home. He reminds me so much of my grandpa... Made me miss him so much more. But what could I expect, they were brothers. Ester is the sweetest ever, too. I pray so much peace over her in the next coming days. They were married for over sixty years! I can't even imagine... They spoke of God's goodness and His faithfulness at every turn. Stories that I won't hear from him any longer, but I'll have to tell to Danielle and Rebecca so they won't forget. Challenges me to tell my testimony and the stories of what God is doing in my life every chance I get. My heritage isn't this about the earthly things I leave behind. I want to leave a spiritual legacy that extends beyond money and worldly items that can be traded... My grandparents did... and my great uncle did...

He was promoted to his heavenly home on December 31st.

I love you Uncle Walter.
You will be missed.

Walter W. Asbell, son of the late William W. and Grace Davis Asbell, was born at Clines Island on April 4, 1924, and died at Missouri Southern Healthcare in Dexter on Dec. 31, 2007, at the age of 83.

Mr. Asbell was a retired farmer and had spent his life in the Bloomfield community. He was a member of Liberty Hill General Baptist Church at Aid. On Oct. 9, 1943 he was married to Ester Adams.

Survivors include his wife Ester of the home in Bloomfield; two daughters and their spouses, Jewell and Buddy Maddox of Wiliamsville and Janice and Bill Aslin of Bloomfield; two sisters, Virgie Wilson of Dexter and Mary Killmer of Kansas; two grandsons, Buddy Maddox, Jr. of Portageville and Travis Maddox of Shellsburg, IA.; two granddaughters, Sonja Hobbs of Bloomfield and Sarah Barton of Cordova, Tenn.; seven great-grandchildren, Trevor Maddox, Troy Maddox, Erica Maddox, Aleigha Maddox, Megan Maddox, Ariana Maddox, and Brant Hobbs.

Besides his parents he was preceded in death by an infant son, Ronnie Walter Asbell; a great-grandson, Buddy Maddox III; two brothers, Alfred and Louis Asbell; and one sister, Ruthie Baker.

Visitation was held at the Chiles-Cooper Funeral Home in Bloomfield from 5-8 p.m. Tuesday, Jan. 1, 2008.

Funeral services were conducted on Wednesday Jan. 2, 2008, at 10 a.m. at the Chiles-Cooper Funeral Home in Bloomfield with Rev. Lester Clayton and Rev. Phil Warren officiating.

Interment followed in the Walker Cemetery near Bloomfield.

ALL THINGS BECOME NEW...

2007-12-31T23:38:00.000-06:00

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

Goodbye 2007… Welcome 2008. Old things have gone. All things with the past year are gone. Things that I wish had happened, regrets of the year, and unfinished goals… all things undone will be left behind in just a few moments.

A new beginning lies ahead of me. The awesome part is that a new beginning lies ahead of me each moment that I trust in Christ. His promise is true. If I remain in Him, I am a new creation, old things of my life, each moment die. All things are renewed, restored, remade perfect in Him. Isn’t He amazing?.

I love my Savior for all He has done for me in 2007, and I can’t wait for the amazing things He’s going to do for me, through me, and with me in 2008.

I’m waiting in anticipation and expectation…

What are you expecting in 2008?

SURRENDER...

2007-12-28T01:03:00.000-06:00

L I V E . L I F E

That’s just it. What if I lived life?
Not just lived. But really L I V E D.

What if I took time to pray,
What if I took time to learn?

What if I took time to open my heart,
What if I took time to open my eyes?

What if I took this passion,
And did something with it?

What if I stopped thinking about myself,
And started thinking of others?

What if I stopped putting myself first,
And began to become a servant?

What if I

S U R R E N D E R E D ?

NO more excuses. NO more what ifs.
Only what is. And what will be.

RECOLLECTIONS AND RESOLUTIONS...

2007-12-27T02:26:00.000-06:00

January's resolution has now turned into December's recollections. It's that time of year that we put away all the Christmas decorations and now begin to reflect on this past year and the newness ahead of us in the upcoming year.

I'm conflicted though about Christmas. In some ways, it went by all to quickly. And in other ways, I'm so glad it's over, I can't stand it. The commercialism of the holiday seems to have taken over our view of what Christmas is all about. Why is it that we find ourselves spending money on things we don't need with money we don't have for people we really don't care about!?! Is it obligation? Do we feel a sense of obligation to give gifts to people? I'll admit, sometimes I do. Since I've been terribly sick this holiday season, I simply didn't do it this year. I had a few gifts for my family for Christmas day, but otherwise, much of the normal shopping went undone. I'm sadden by this for some reason. I feel like I've let some people down… But that's when I transition my thinking to what Christmas is all about. Not the endless gifts that are unnecessary, but the true gift given to us all, Christ.

Maybe it's because I've had to slow down this season, but I've been thinking more about this amazing child. I think about the announcement given about His birth so many years prior to His coming. Would I have been a skeptic, or would I have dropped everything like the wise men to follow the star to the One who had come to save us? I think about the holiness of the woman who was chosen to carry this child into our world. She was addressed by Gabriel, as a highly favored woman of God. WOW! Not religious, not committed to the church, not apart of a weekly Bible Study, but favored. She was young… Am I ready for such an extraordinary task? One that would require every ounce of faith I had and then some? Though I'm blessed and highly favored, sometimes I question God's willingness to choose me. And if when He does, I tend to respond much like Moses… "God, do you have any idea of who you are calling here? You have no idea!" And every time He responds the same, "I know you and have known you before you were even created. I know your past, your present, and your future. My plans are better than yours; my thoughts are higher than yours; my ways greater than yours. Trust Me." As I have started to do this, He's been more than faithful to take me to amazing places. Though I have known this all along, the more I trust Him, the greater my faith becomes. The more I allow Him to work in my life, I crave to be used more and more because it teaches me more about who God is. I think about Mary's confession of blessing after encountering the angel. Her heart was prepared for an experience with God himself. She was ready – as a favored woman of God – with The Word and with her prior experience with Him. Am I that ready? Do I dedicate enough time to the word to be ready to encounter ANY opportunity or challenge He gives me or when the enemy seeks to devour me? Am I ready to know truth in any circumstance – not truth based on what the world thinks, but truth based in His word? Truth changes fact…. His truth has become the foundation of my life. Not the past, not what truth was established in the past from experience, but His Word.

I've become passionate about it. Looking to God's word for healing, comfort, guidance, and knowledge. This past year, God has taken me down an unexpected path. I would have never imagined my life to look like it does right now. Friends who are gone from my life that were once so close and dear to me are now a fleeting memory. Things that use to be important like my "love" for the investment world and the passion to fix my career in that industry, are now not as important. I still seek to restore my name, but I'm okay with never working in that industry ever again. I've given a lot of things to God this year. After rededicating my life at the beginning of the year and fully committing my life to Him, He's been more than faithful to be next to me every step of the way. He's restored me in unimaginable ways. I've given Him everything about me, the good, the bad, the ugly, friends, family, the needs, the wants, the hopes, the dreams, the past, the hurt, the pain, the desires of becoming something different. In the process of giving Him everything, something amazing happened within me, I realized I didn't need all of what I had become. In giving Him everything, He did what he does best, He took it and purified what I gave Him. What was good for me, He purified and gave back to me. There was a catch though, not all of it looked the same. Once purified, some of the unnecessary was taken off. Some things in the purification process were burned off never to return again. But I knew that as He gave those things which I had given to Him back to me, it was in a purified form. As I seek Him in all aspects of my life, I know that He's going to give me exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. My goal is through seeking Him and serving Him that I keep those things pure.

The new year is quickly approaching. What will this year hold for me? I'm excited to say I'm not sure. I too will have a list of things that I'd like to accomplish throughout the course of the next year. But I'm not going to get so caught up in my plans that I lose sight of His plans. This year as I look back to this time last year, I was making plans for 2007 and what I wanted to do with the next 365 days. I sought out to incorporate some new things into my life and goals to start new things, and end old bad habits. Now that I look back on them, I accomplished a few of them. But I've resigned to the fact that what God wants for me is what I want for me. If I get to my "resolutions" then I get to them… If I don't, God had something better for me. Regardless, I know I'm seeking Him at every point, and with that I know I'm in His will. I know that the things I try to do this year will happen if He wills it.

I'm excited about this next year. I'm sure there's a lot more change and growth ahead of me. For those around me, I'm sure that will entail some tears, so have the tissues ready. I'm stronger than I've ever been because of my source of strength…

Thanks to each of you who have been love to me, have encouraged me, and allowed me to change right before your eyes without judgment.

Come on 2008, and let's go forth in love. I desire for Christ's love to be made complete in me this year. (1 John 4) I desire to love as I have been loved. When I do this, completion of love will occur within me. I want to be bold. I've been told I'm quite a character. I'm going to take that and be a bit bolder this year with my witness. Not to beat people over the head with the word… But rather to be vocal where God is present, and state what He's done in my life. Silence is a tactic from the enemy, and I won't let him operate in me any longer. Fearlessnes… Fear is from the enemy, and I intend to authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing will injure me. I will be fearless at all costs and rely upon my Maker and Savior to guide me to speak truth in love.

For the more fleshly side of things…
I'd like to get out of some of the debt I'm in during 2008. i.e. Student Loans & Car
consolidate my jobs and work less. – Not sure how that will work with the above.
Begin steps toward self-employment. This is how… Step 1 hopefully taken care of.
Bedroom Furniture is a must in '08.
Establish organization system for living room.
Move desk stuff downstairs and get rid of my desk.
Stay SI Free.
Continue to eat on a regular basis and maintain healthy lifestyle.
Guitar… yeah, pick it up this year.
Seek opportunities for ministry with my past experience.
Settle for nothing in 08.

Above all else – seek God.

May we give our all to Him who freely gave His all for us.

LESSONS FROM 2007

2007-12-27T02:07:00.003-06:00

What have I learned in 2007…?

Life is short. I need to take advantage of every fleeting moment.

God’s word is powerful. I’ve rekindled my passion for His word. His communication to me is amazing, and I’m excited about each and ever time I open His Word.

Work isn’t everything. I’ve found more of a balance between my work life and my personal life. It’s not completely there, but I’m much more pleased that I’m not working 60+ hours a week.

Freedom in Christ is truly amazing. He’s set me free from a lot of junk this year. The testament of his love is never-ending. I’m thankful that He loves me. More than that I’m thankful that He loves me enough to not leave me the way He found me.

Taking care of the temple God’s given me. This one is huge for me. I’ve decided that self-destructing isn’t beneficial to me. I’ve discovering just how amazing the sacrifice Christ gave is. He’s shown me the importance of His blood and the finality of it. I’ve discovered that His death paid the price for all of my failures, my disappointments, and all my fears. I’ve realized how futile shedding my own blood is. I’ve discovered that my blood is temporary and the relief it gives is short-lived. I’ve walked out of some dark places this year. I’m thankful to experience the freedom that Christ came to give. I’ve also started eating better… or rather eating period. I realize that I need to care for the body God has given me in order that He can use it effectively.

Relationships are one of a kind. God has blessed me with some amazing people this year. He’s removed several people from my life, but with that removal came the replacement of some amazing people! I've realized alot of people will fail you, and some will leave. But His plan is perfect. He’s shown me this year what an unconditional love truly looks like. He’s given me a Spiritual Mother and Father that seek for me to grow in the knowledge of Him, and encourage me in my walk with God at all costs. He’s shown me what “loving reproach” looks like. I’ve experienced discipline with love woven into every word and ever part of what that looked like. I’ve experienced the reassurance of a love that is unfailing. I’ve seen a love so unconditional and so endless that it can’t be measured or described with words… because it mirrors God’s love. He’s shown me what spiritual relationships are all about. He’s given me a friend that I can grow in Christ with without the strings of the flesh attached. He’s shown me that I can love in the Spirit greater than any love in the flesh. I’ve learned that some relationships weren’t meant to be. Some of the people God brings to us are for a season. Some He sends for a lesson, some He sends for a season, some for the endurance of our lives. I’m learning to be ready for whatever path these relationships take.

Truth changes fact. God’s word is amazing. I’m learning to stand on it for the foundation of my life. He alone defines who I am, and He alone defines my past, my present, and my future. I’m nothing without Him.

I'm useable. I can be used by Him. He has a plan for me, one greater than I could have ever thought of for myself. He’ll use me as I’m willing to be used… And I’m excited about what He’s doing through me and will continue to do.

Most importantly,

I’m not who I was.
He’ll continue to change me… and I won’t be tomorrow what I am today.

THANKSGIVING...

2007-11-24T01:58:00.003-06:00

This day comes once a year as a day on a calendar. We remember the holiday as we feast on enormous amounts of food and share the company of friends and family.

This past year has been a year full of change for me. There are very few things that have remained the same. Fact is, change is a good thing. I'm a better person becuase of it. I'm not who I was a year ago. Thank God! He's done an amazing work in me. He's changed me. God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good... Amazingly good!

As Thanksgiving has come and gone this year, I've been reflecting about what I'm thankful for. I've been off on vacation this week (an amazing thing for someone who works as much as I do) and I've been contemplating Thanksgiving and it's meaning...

Thanksgiving is more than a day. It's more than visiting with family and friends for a couple of days. It's an attitude of the heart.

Psalm 100:4 says, "Enter into His gates with thanksgiving and a thank offering and into His courts with praise! Be thankful and say so to Him, bless and affectionately praise His name!"

What an awesome God I serve! He's done so many amazing things in my life! I'm thankful for so many things. First and foremost, I'm thankful to serve The Most High God who died for me so that I may live forever. I'm thankful that through his resurrection, He is alive forevermore, and I am able to have a personal relationship with Him! I'm thankful for the unconditional love of my Savior and the future and hope He gives to me daily in my walk with Him.

I'm also thankful for my spiritual family. I've been surrounded by a group of people at The Gathering who have surrounded me with an amazing amount of love. I'm thankful for these people who God has brought into my life to love me, encourage me, pray for me, direct me, correct me, laugh with me, and laugh at me.

I'm thankful for my church friends. You guys are so fun. We've had some growing pains this year, but it's been so rewarding. God is so good! Times with you all are priceless. I enjoy learning with you on Sunday mornings. We have great places to go in the Word and with God. He has already taken us to great places, and I'm excited about where He's going to take us in the future. I love each and every one of you!

I'm thankful for people who have invested time into me. People like...

Stephen... Thanks for teaching me so many things over the past two years. Things may be different at the office, and you may not be my boss anymore... but I'll always respect you for what you've done and what you've taught me. You've invested into me - professionally and personally. You've taught me about Yellow Pages... and you've taught me about life. You've worked with the highest amount of work ethic - stopping at nothing even what others think of your work, you still desire success for others. You work through the struggle that everyone knows you're battling, with the utmost integrity. You've given me the honor and privilege to say that I've worked for Stephen Ferrari. Thank you for the investment into my life. My life is changed... Not because I worked for you and solicit people to advertise in the Verizon Yellow Pages every chance I get (which I also learned by watching you), but because you took the time to listen and just be real. You spoke truth when it needed to be spoken, listened when I needed to be heard, apologized when you were wrong (which wasn't often), given advice repeatedly when I was stubborn. Thank you for your patience. You've helped to me to climb out of some dark caves and climb some steep mountains.

Grant: You are simply a man - a man being used of God in an amazing way. I'm so thankful that He brought you in my path. Where would I be today had I not visited the Singles Class that day? I'm not sure. Your passion for Christ is infectious! I knew that day that I walked into class that you KNEW God. I knew from that one class that you understood what it meant to have a personal THRIVING relationship with Christ. Thank you for sharing Christ with me and what your relationship with Christ is all about. Thank you for your teachings every Sunday morning. Thank you for your continued guarding of your anointing daily as you seek God in every aspect of your life. Thank you for showing me the path to true happiness: peace with God. I'm so thankful for the transformation that God has done this past year. Thank you for your patience as I've resisted some of it. Thank you for your continued encouragement. Thank you for being the first person to show me what unconditional love was. You were the first person to show a biblical example of Godly love for me. A love that is patient, kind, not jealous, not boastful or proud or rude. A love that doesn't demand it's own way. A love that isn't irritable, it keeps not record of wrongs, isn't glad about injustice, but rejoices in truth. A love that never gives up. A love that never loses faith. A love that is always hopeful. A love that endures through every circumstance. This is a love that will last forever for it is a Godly love. (1 Cor 13) Thank you for showing me what true Godly love looks like. You have impacted my life forever - eternally for the kingdom’s sake.

Mr. & Mrs. Jolley: What can I say to two people who have forever changed my life? Two people who love God so passionately and so intensely? I walk into your home and feel the overflow of the love of God. Under your ministry, my life has changed dramatically. I came in a cold and calloused girl not knowing what to expect. I knew that I needed some serious change in my life, or I wasn't going to make it much longer. You reached out with nothing but love. You began to speak truth into my life. I'm slowly being molded into the woman of God that Christ created me to be. As I began to seek God, the more I found Him. The hard thing about seeking truth... once you find it, you must do something with it... apply it to your life, or reject it as a non-truth, a lie. Once I found God in situations of my life, I realized things had to change. Some things did on their own. Some where choices I had to make. Some were choices God asked me to make. Some are choices I'm still making. All I know is, the two of you are amazing people that God is using in my life to show me who God is, and what His will is for my life. Thank you for boldly speaking truth into my life. Thank you for being willing to lovingly correct me. Thank you for taking me under your wings and teaching me a few things about life, love, and living. I'm exciting about what God has in store for me. Thank you for helping me to see that I'm valuable.

I'm thankful that just because we're heartbroken doesn't mean we'll never be healed. I'm thankful that I have tears to share with the brokenhearted. I'm thankful that I have hands to comfort them in their time of hurt with a hug or a hand written note. I'm thankful that I have ears to lend that they may share their hurt. I'm thankful that I have eyes to see non-verbal communication when they may need encouragement in days to come. I'm thankful that I have a voice and a mouth that I can share with them the love that I have and the hope that I have!

I'm thankful for change... Sometimes I'm tempted to look at what use to be. I'm tempted to look at the people who surrounded me in the past and become bitter or angry at what's happened. It's a temptation from the enemy. Change is good. Why are we in different places? I'm not sure... God has ordained it for the current time. I know that in order for my growth and for me to grow spiritually, I needed a separation time. I do know that I miss them! My heart breaks for the times we spent together. I miss the times of laughter! I long for the time when we can be together again. I want each of you to know that I love you with all my heart. Though God has ordained us to be in separate places whether it be spiritually, emotionally, mentally, or physically, I love each of you.

I'm thankful that God doesn't leave us the way He finds us. He's changed me in so many ways. He's taken my life that was shattered into a million pieces and restored most of it into something amazing. He's still working on me, and there's still a bit of restoration for Him to do. I'm thankful that He allows for second chances. I'm thankful that I have the desire to serve a living God, and that my heart beats for Him. I'm thankful that He's taken a past full of abuse and restored my mind. I'm thankful that He's taken my mind that was full of self-hate and brought worth back with His sacrifice. I'm thankful that He replaced the endless self-injury with His priceless blood on the cross. I'm thankful that I'm not who I was.... and I'm not going to be who I am today!

Thanksgiving comes from an attitude of the heart. May God find each of us with a thankful heart, a thank offering, and praise for Him! God bless! I love each of you!

GOALS AND MOTIVATION...

2007-05-02T22:07:00.000-05:00

I had a decent conversation with Stephen tonight. We decided to head to a new Thai place that just open down on the strip behind the hotel. It was pretty good. I love spicy food.... I mean LOVE it! I think it has something to do with the pain it causes! Regardless... I love it.

I like talking with him because he challenges me to think beyond this moment. Think long term. Think ten years from now. How is today going to get you to where you want to be ~ where God wants you to be in the future? Will it spur me to greatness or hinder me from excelling? The problem... I really don't have any goals that I can work towards. I struggle with the concept. I'm not a long-term kinda gal apparently.

Goals are next. Find the motivation to find out what I want to get motivated about! Now THAT'S funny! Needed, but definitely numerous...

BEING OVERWHELMED...

2007-04-26T23:06:00.001-05:00

Just as resistance grows and strengthens muscle for the athlete, it can have the same effect on all types of relationships. The source of resistance varies from background, personality, values, pace, or priority. People have different personality and social styles, all of which are important for effective teamwork. However, even good intentions often cannot prevent the misunderstandings that can occur between people who think differently, approach tasks differently, and communicate differently. Recognizing these sources of conflict is the first step toward being able to do something about them. Constructive discussion of these differences can build bridges over which ongoing dialog can occur openly.

Blended together, these differences can create a balanced team represented by all perspectives. When balanced, we become unified in purpose. While on the other hand, when differences are not balanced, the assets potentially gained from diversity become liabilities. Resolving differences constructively is a key team leadership skill.

As people live and work together every day, they bring their histories... their past experiences, their family and social influences, and their work experiences. From all of these sources, they've formed attitudes and beliefs, which get played out on the workplace stage every day. Conflict is a natural part of any team or relationship. It can be healthy or unhealthy for the relationship, depending on how I handle it. When I handle conflict constructively, it promotes growth and problem solving.

I've been overwhelmed today. More than overwhelmed. I handled two people's jobs today, and I was bombarded with request after request after request. I am support staff, and I realize my role is to take all those requests. I had so much on my plate today, I just didn't know what to do with it all. I don't get overwhelmed often, but when I do... it's never pretty. I have ADD, and I overcome the struggle with mountain of tasks with behavioral tasks. Today, the ADD had me. I was done. It's rare, but when it does, I'm worthlesss. I lose sight of a starting point, and the thought of the end of the list is overwhelming. I've been defeated. Add to feeling extremely defeated the feeling of unapprecation and being taken advantage of. I'm sure on a "normal" day, it wouldn't have hit so hard. I snapped on the sales floor. Never good. I made a statement of how my time is just as valuable as the next persons. I don't have time to waste while others are wasting time casually.

Problem 1: I lost it. My attitude was wrong, and according to my boss, I've been on a very short fuse today. I've got to learn to manage my ADD stress before "blow-up".

Problem 2: I lost it on the sales floor. Thought it was a small comment, it compromised the integrity of a manager. His team was obviously disturbed by it. That means that I'm contributing to any cause to distract them for their real purpose ~ selling, and also their potential in that purpose.

Problem 3: In an effort to appropriately defuse the conflict, I discussed this with my boss for venting/coaching which was overheard by people on the sales floor; thus, contributing to the above problem 2.

Problem 4: I decided to call the manager to discuss why I was upset ~ not the situation. My intent was to convey that even though I KNOW his intentions are not to hurt me, sometimes I feel like his comments are degrading and demoralizing to me and my job. Also, I wanted to convey that when I'm stressed and at my limit, I need some space. I'll facilitate in helping as best I can, but the comments and the "jokes" have to be tapered a bit. I did talk about these things, but don't know that it was incredibly effective. The person didn't quite see my "feelings" as valid. I apologized for my wrong-doings today, and after this blog, it's a dead issue to me.

Problem 5: My boss is frustrated and disappointed in me. Rightfully so. I, again, handled this incorrectly. I don't like drama. I don't like conflict. People think I'm okay with it because I try to tackle it. I don't like lingering issues. I'd rather call the person, discuss it, and learn the lesson and move on. Once I sleep, I'll be fine. I just hate when I hear the disappointment in his voice. I respect him as a professional and as a friend. I value him because he's helped to shape me professionally (though I'm sure he questions the success at times) and personally.

Today I left the office feeling like a failure... in more ways than one. I hate that. I'm realizing that in order to effectively do this, I've got to get my crap together... and keep it together. Life is too short and work isn't worth it.

BUT... I learned a few lesson today:

1.) Stephen was right... what's new, right?
2.) I've got to effectively manage my ADD and stress level before I self destruct.
3.) Sounding boards have to be outside of the company.
4.) Timing is everything.
5.) Perception is reality, but we chose truth.

I messed up today. I can't go back and change things ~ no sense of living in the past... The best I can do is learn from my mistakes and validate the experience with wisdom for the future.

The game plan:
1.) First and foremost: GET SOME REST!
2.) Appreciate the moment, and live it to it's fullest... with respect and honor to self and others.

GOALS AND TRUST...

2007-04-24T23:24:00.002-05:00

Today's been tough... but I've felt God sustaining me.

Dental appointment #5 was today. Permanent crown was put in place today. My expectations are beginning to turn positive. It's a good feeling to feel like the person shoving their fist in your mouth knows what they are doing. My dentist is my deacon, but I'm convinced that he's exceptionally compassionate and wonderfully considerate to his patients. He treats me wonderfully!

Ever feel like it's time to make drastic changes in your life? I'm there. I'm contemplating some heavy decisions that are going to take some SERIOUS commitment. I'm afraid.... of failure. I'm beginning to understand how important trust in the Lord is. On my own, I'm not going to accomplish any of the things that my heart is beginning to envision. I'm going to be realistic... but try to set some goals for the next six months or so. And after I decide what the goals are, I'm going to come up with a plan/stragey to get there - and be SMART about it.

SPECIFIC
MEASURABLE
ACHIEVABLE
REALISTIC
TIMELY

I've been thinking quite a bit about trusting God. Especially when times are tough, and I don't understand why things have turned out the way that they have. When I've followed His leading after time with Him, and following His leading. Here's my prayer which is amended from a book:

Lord, I am going to rest in the stillness of Your presence while I prepare for my day. Let the radiance of Your glory shine down on me as I wait on You in confident trust. I'm going to be still and know that YOU are God. As I wait and rest in you, show me both the passive and active side to trusting You. As I rest in your presence focusing solely on YOU, quietly build bond of trust between you and I. Help me to respond to the circumstances of my life with affirmations of trust that I might actively participate in this process.

You are always with me, so I have NO reason to be afraid. My fear manifests itself in excessive planning. My mind is so accustomed to this pattern of thinking that I'm only now becoming aware of how pervasive it is and how much it hinders my intimacy with you. Lord, I repent of this tendency and resist it, whenever I realize that I am wandering down this well-worn path. I'm returning to your presence, which always awaits me in the present moment. I'm so thankful that you are loving and forgiving and that you accept me back with NO condemnation.

HUMBLE PIE PLEASE...

2007-04-23T22:11:00.001-05:00

God has been so close. I'm amazed at how much He loves me. I've deliberately sinned in the past couple of days, yet He's right there. I've had more emotion with God than I've had in my flesh. Those emotions are so pure that I'm not sure how to relate them to the flesh. Do they? Can they? I love the fact that godly sorrow breeds amazing love.

He's made Himself evident to me in the past couple of weeks. I know that He's been there all along... Sometimes it's blessed assurance to experience the evidence firsthand. He's been amazing.

Today was kind of rough, and the devil is seeking to get inside my head. I had to send a email of "reprimand" on Friday. I'm new to managing people. I'm great with projects, tasks. I can manage people outside of one critical area ~ communication. I have a tendency to communicate in ways that are harsh. I've been an angry person. My external fuse is long... internally I explode several times a day. On the outside, with my "mask", it takes me a while to get angry. I tend to be harsh and direct when I'm communicating on sensitive issues when it's been escalated. I know this about myself, and it's something I'm working on... the fuse and the communication. I asked my boss to read the email and correct and improve for my sake. Coaching at it's finest.

The problem.....

I corrected the email according to his corrections and suggestions. The kicker... I didn't delete his comments from my email that were integrated in the email below my "new" one. She got them both!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's upset. I know that what I sent was needed. I hate that I've hurt someone ~ unintentionally. I know that I would be upset. I'm praying that God will be right in the middle of this. My intent was never to be hurtful. The corrections were for my sake not hers. I just pray that God will be glorified in this ~ somehow. I've learned more than one lesson through this. Check your work. Double-check your work. Then when you're done... check it again.

I'll have another slice of humble pie, please...

WHERE WERE YOU...

2007-02-03T23:59:00.000-06:00

February 3rd, 1979... Where were you?

I was in a hospital nursery....

I'd love to tell you that I had a great birthday spent with friends and family. I spent yesterday with my church friends, and it was great! We had cake, they sang, played cards, and laughed like crazy. I spent today, my actual birthday, alone. How depressing! I've spent today taking it easy, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I worked quite a bit today, but at home and at my own pace... not a stressful day.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me regardless. THAT is the best present I could have ever received.

Happy Birthday to me...

RANDOMNESS...

2007-01-24T22:27:00.003-06:00

Ever wonder why things happen the way they do....

                Random.
                               Routineless.
        Sporadic.                        Crazy.

I'm needing some stability... Routine. Less craziness and some security in my faith.

as noted by the randomness of this update.

WHOLEHEARTEDLY...

2007-01-04T11:47:00.000-06:00

Met with Mignonne tonight for the first time in quite a while. I guess I realized tonight that I've let too much time lapse before returning. I've rebuilt part of the wall that had been torn down. The mask was on thicker than it has been in probably over a year and a half. Since work has been crazy busy for some time, I think about "things" less. There simply isn't time. Flashbacks are still an everyday occurrence. I still lose chunks of time. I still struggle with staying present during and after a flashback. Work allows me to push through it. My boss catches me off in "space". You know when you are snapping your fingers in front of someone's face because they simply aren't here? I'm there more than I want to be.... but I've given Stephen a very brief and detail-less explanation... He snaps his fingers, laughs at me, pushes my shoulder, and then I come out of it... We laugh, and move on. I laugh to keep from crying and falling into a million pieces. If I let any of the emotion in, I'd be useless. I'm ready to tackle the past to live 100% in the present. I want my present day to be based on the present day and it's ups and downs. I'm tired of my past defining who I am, how I behave, who God is, the world and the way things work. I want to take back what's mine. My yesterday may not have been mine. Maybe I could have changed things. Maybe I could have fought back. Maybe I could have told someone. Maybe it is my fault. I don't know. I feel terribly guilty about something with it, thought I don't quite understand much of anything about it.

There's no time like the present to build a future from the past. I'm ready to work at this wholeheartedly.

GOD IS GOOD...

2006-10-09T21:56:00.001-05:00

So... Jesus is real. Just in case you were wondering.

I feel like I've discovered Him again for the first time. It's been a while since I've felt His presence... felt His touch... Heard Him speak comforting words to me.

What this does NOT mean is this....
It does not mean that my issues are gone. It does not mean that I sleep anymore than I did before. It does not mean that I'm okay with the way my life is. It does not mean that I have to over spiritualize my life with Jesus to achieve the definition of what the world thinks a Christian is.

What it DOES mean....

God is God.

{PERIOD}

SOMETHING... ANYTHING...

2006-09-22T22:20:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder when time will slow down? Seems as though life only speeds up and there is very little time to gather my thoughts and energy back. My parents use to talk about how fast time would go by, and I would think they were crazy. I hate to admit it, but they were right. The older I get, time goes by so fast. Life doesn't wait for you. It is at it's own pace. Everyone has the same amount of time, the same amount of days in a week, weeks in a month, months in a year and well, the years in a lifetime vary... What am I doing to make today better than yesterday?

Time is a big thing for me right now as I don't seem to have enough of it. How can I not have enough when I'm alotted the same amount every single day? I'm so tired right now I can barely keep my eyes open... and I'm still not in bed. Can't...

Anyway... Here's the update on my life...

I've been in Knoxville all this week. Needed to do some training with my counterpart to get her up to speed on what's needed. It went well, but I worked 14-18 hour days. I was practically with Stephen all of those hours. WAY too much bonding time... Amazingly, I didn't get THE look this week. He gives me this look when he's completely frustrated with me. I hate the look. We had several interesting conversations in the car on Monday and today. Let me tell you though, a 2002 Ford Taurus becomes small very quicly when a man well over six feet is trying to drive it. He's a great guy, and good company, so I really can't complain. He's makes sure that I'm taken care of on the basic level, and he's hysterical 98% of the time. We worked alot. Every day we were out of the hotel by 6:45 a.m. Mind you that there is an hours time difference between Nashville and Knoxville. My body was screaming at me. I had to get up at 5:45 a.m. eastern time... 4:45 A.M. CENTRAL TIME....!!!! OH MY! I haven't seen that time of the day since I was unemployed. Actually, I suppose that's not entirely correct as I have spent some nights up because of nightmares and such. Anyway... getting up was more than painful. Especially when I didn't go to bed until WAY late in the night. Every other night other than last night was completely work related. Last night we went to Susan's house for drinks and guacamole. I liked it... I tried it years ago, and I absolutely hated it. Susan made homemade guac, and it was awesome.

I ate SUSHI for the first time while I was in Knoxville. I don't know the technical term for what I ate... but there was some green stuff to mix in with the soy sauce that made it super HOT... LOVED IT. I like the sushi.. amazingly. Stephen has opened the world of food to my life... Korean, Indian, and now Japanese. I thought I was going to have an issue with the whole raw fish thing... But it wasn't too bad.

Karaoke was last night. Can't say a whole lot... It was a bunch of people that had consumed WAY too much alcohol singing a bunch of old songs off key and off beat. Nothing says a GREAT time like that... ha! Anyway, I'm home and needing to unpack.

The consignment sale at the church has been going on this week. I feel terrible because I've not been here... I usually do the admin/data/financial thing for them. Since I've been in Knoxville, they've been on their own. They've done a great job and the sale is off to a fabulous start! Tomorrow will be a long day as it is CHECK day. Usually a long night. Hopefully it will go quickly and we'll be out of there in record time... Hopeful... probably.

Forgiveness is weighing heavily on my mind. I'm having a hard time with grasping it still... My anger has come down a few notches from last week ~ which is good considering I wanted to kill somebody! Anyway, I've got to get my life in control or crazy things are going to be happening. No luck on the house search.. I have about 39 days to find something... somewhere. I have no idea what I'm going to do or where I'm going. This could get pretty interesting. I'm praying a condo opens up soon.

I was suppose to hear from my attorney today. He never called me back. ARG! My understanding is that he was to hear a response from Woodbury on refiling my U-5 by today. If there was no response, he was to file a request for arbitration...

I need a lot of things to close up in the next little bit. Things should be settled by November... right???

I just need something... Anything.

             Stability....                         Love....
                            Understanding....                 Hope....
      Consideration...

Something... Anything.

TRUE WORSHIP AND THE CALLING OF THE CHURCH...

2006-07-25T22:15:00.001-05:00

How can you cope with the end of a world and the beginning of another one? How can you put an earthquake into a test-tube, or the sea into a bottle? How can you live with the terrifying thought that the hurricane has become human, that fire has become flesh, that life itself came to life and walked in our midst? Christianity either means that, or it means nothing. it is either the most devastating disclosure of the deepest reality in the world, or it's a sham, a nonsense, a bit of deceitful play-acting. Most of us, unable to cope with saying either of those things, condemn ourselves to live in the shallow world in between. we may not be content there, but we don't know how to escape."

For all God's worth:
True Worship and the Calling of the Church

FREEDOM...

2006-07-04T23:54:00.003-05:00

The fourth of July... It screams for celebration. Freedom is it's reason. Today will be full of celebration.. Fireworks, cookouts, and time spent with family and friends.

Why do I not feel free? Why do I not feel like celebrating? Being politically free at this moment means very little when I'm bound to the chains of the past. Scripture says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set you free." Not bondage, but FREEDOM. Not political freedom, but freedom of the heart, freedom of the mind. Yet my heart remain bound. My mind is entangled with the memories of the past and thoughts of other things.

I'm thankful for the individuals that fought for my political freedom. The right to chose. The right to be unique. The right to be an individual in the midst of so many. I'm thankful that one of my worries isn't how women are treated. I'm thankful that I can worship God when and where I want. I'm thankful that I am not forced to do anything...

Freedom has it's cost. For our political freedom, families sacrificed sons, daughters, husbands, wives, cousins, grandchildren, nieces, nephews. They unknowingly had to sacrifice their life for my freedom. Spiritual freedom, too, has it's cost. Christ's life was given in place for mine. Freedom isn't free on any level. When I think about what Christ endured on the cross in my place, I am humbled. Why would someone die for me? I'm kind of glad He didn't ask that before He willingly died for me. Chances are, if He weren't sovereign, I would be out of luck. There's nothing holy about me. There's nothing worty of sacrifice here. But I'm thankful that He saw what I can't.

I'm thankful that people like Mignonne can see the things I can't... I suppose that emotional and mental freedom is a future thing. That freedom is on God's timetable... I'm fighting demons that tell me the opposite of what is truth... um, better put, a lie. I can't decipher the truth from the lies. I've heard them for so long they seem true to me. They validate themselves. Breaking the chains of the validation is where the freedom lies. So why can't I unlock them? I want so badly to be free... Free from depression. Free from SI. Free from anger. Free from the memories. Free from EVERYTHING.

The scars of today's battles will remain unseen to the world. Yet, because the battle is so real, the wounds are too...

The battle extends further, but for the sake of my readers, well, I'll spare you. I'm still looking for my breakthrough. Still anticipating something awesome from God....

The question remains.............
Has He forgotten about me?

EARLY MORNINGS...

2006-06-26T23:05:00.000-05:00

When my day starts at any time before 6:00 a.m.... It's a given that the day is shot already. I know, I know. It's a negative perspective... But, at least I'm honest, right?

I didn't sleep well last night... So six came super quickly this morning. I drove to the emissions testing place... New tags are due on Ginger in approximately four days, and I haven't even gotten the emissions tested. Just remembered it a couple of days ago... So bright and early this morning, there I was waiting for some overly unenthusiastic individual to stick a meter in the exhaust pipe of my car, rob me of ten bucks, and tell me what I already knew: My car passed.

Off to the office... Mind you it's only about 7:15, and I've been up since BEFORE 6:00!!! I punched in the code to get into the office, and I'm greeted with "There she is... we were just talking about you!" Never good on a Monday morning, and especially THIS Monday morning. Reports were needed for the meeting at 7:50... So immediately I began crunching numbers and formatting spreadsheets.

Moment after moment became so overly frustrating... But I have to go on... It's hilarious! Stephen had told me this weekend how bad the wrap car was and asked if I could arrange for it to be serviced. So, this morning, I get on the phone with Heath... He's the manager at Firestone that I know WAY too well... The car's been at this place four times in the past two months. Not necessarily the best track record. Regardless, Stephen and Travis follow me while I drive the car of death. He wasn't kidding! The breaks were shot. As we were driving past the airport, I was thinking of how much "runway" space I would need to get the car to stop without plowing into a car in front of me. And when it did finally stop... the awful noise that it made would make me cringe!

Stephen, Travis and I decided to eat Korean this afternoon... There's something about food that burns every orifice of your body that is so wonderful. It's painful to eat, but it's so good ~ I know, I'm sick in the head... But it was SUPER good and was especially nice of Stephen...

Then after lunch, it's back to the grind. At 2:00p.m. I had just about the same amount of work that I had Friday when I left at 8:00!!! So much work, so little time... Regardless, I plowed in and tried to focus on the work at hand. The day is progressing though my success level is staggering right above the failure mark. It's about 6:00 p.m. when I hear my name being shouted across the office. Granted, this isn't abnormal... My name is shouted in desperation at least 30 times or more a day ~ no exaggeration. The managers were given a project to do and apparently they decided that TODAY, the last day, was the best day to CRAM this in. Reports, reports, and more reports are clouding my view of my home and, the better and clearer view, my BED. Seven turned to eight, eight turned to nine, and eventually ten o'clock rolled around and we decided we had to go.

I'm looking for my keys, and this HUGE weight of fear and ULTIMATE FAILURE sets in... I left my keys... house, car, office, everything, in the wrap car that is sitting at the car repair place!!! WHAT??? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!? Funny thing is... Steve (different person than Stephen) stated how "Mrs. Perfect had finally done something wrong." There's NO WAY I'm camping out at the office. I'm desperate, but I'm not laying down on those conference tables!

Steve brought me home this evening... and Stephen's picking me up at 6:45 in the morning. Let's hope I get to sleep past 6:15 or so... That would make everybody happy!

Success lies dormant in the seekers mind... Failure is obvious to the doer's mind.

LOSS FOR WORDS...

2006-06-19T00:00:00.002-05:00

Ginger, my Mazda 3, was in the shop yesterday for a check up... I can't believe that I've put 15K miles on that car already. Regardless I'm out $200.00 for an alignment and the other maintenance. Since my car is serviced in North Nashville, I usually schedule it on a Saturday, and I usually spend the day with my parents. Thankfully it wasn't early... Me, Saturday and early do not mix well together. I had to leave by 10:00 and leave the car by 10:30. My folks came and picked me up from the dealership, and we went back to the house. I brought my computer expecting to do some MUCH needed work for this week's demands. I sat down, turned the computer on, and then it was time to leave.

My mother decided she wanted to go to KOHL'S but didn't want to go alone... And me... pass up a sale at Kohl's??? 55% off? What is a girl to do? I've been in need of pillows desperately. The "experts" (whoever they are) state that when you can fold a pillow over and it doesn't unfold by itself... it's time for a new pillow. Apparently I'm a tad rough on my pillows because mine have been shot for a LONG while. I came out with pillows and a present for Lori & Keith... yet another one of my friends who is getting married.

I was then informed that there was a Father's Day picnic with my dad's church... which I'm not particularly fond of.... There's just tension there, and I'm not sure why... but it's terribly uncomfortable. My dad wants me to go... but I'm not really feeling it AT ALL... My mother takes me to pick up my car, and I travel back to Sanders Ferry Park to the picnic. The weather was perfect... The wind was blowing fiercely off of the water. I'd rather it be windy than uncomfortably hot... Vicki was there... I haven't seen her since she went to rehab a couple of years ago. She's married now, and seems to be doing much better. She's on the right path or trying to stay on the right path. Her husband is received his trucking license to drive a rig... That way she can go back to school and hopefully better herself and her future. So I'm glad I went for that reason....

Today is Father's Day... I told my mother yesterday that they could come to my house, and that I would cook for them. I hate for my mother to have to do all the cooking for those events... It just makes it hard on my dad. So to make his life easier, and because I really didn't want to drive to Hendersonville again, I made dinner today. Since we've spent two days with each other, the tolerance level between my mother and I was wearing thin... and we're trying to make things work.

I'm hoping for a better week as far as flashbacks are concerned. If the past is any kind of predictor, things are usually worse after I go to my parent's house. The neighborhood is a serious trigger all in itself. The flashbacks and memories have been at a level drastically higher than normal anyway... So I'm unsure of what the week holds. Today's been about the same as the past two weeks. I'm still searching for words to write down the memories... I'm trapped in a prison of torture. Escaping lies solely in finding words to verbalize what happened. Silence has been the way of life for so long, words have no place in the abuse. I was forced into silence by my abuser, and my mother stripped me of my vocal chords... I was only to feel those things which were "appropriate" for her and what she could handle. Feelings weren't allowed... The only feeling words I really comprehend are anger and frustration. But both of those are secondary emotions. I don't understand what it is I feel...

I'm convincing myself, sometimes on a minute-to-minute basis, that I can't give up. The potential for a fantastic life is out there... I can make a difference... God CAN use me...

Just not like this. I have to go through this painful and slow process of healing. Don't get me wrong, I don't just want to snap my fingers and it all be okay... I just wish it wasn't so painful and so... painful. Words could make this process take a different path.

DIRECTION...

2006-06-14T00:26:00.001-05:00

I'm having trouble sleeping... So it's time to write.

Time is something everyone has. No one person has more time than another. 24 hours. Equality. Yet, it seems that some have more time than others. Those that have fuller schedules are those that are the most miserable. I'm living proof. My schedule is full of things to do. And when the schedule becomes open, I FIND things to do.

I'm running. Running from the things in my head. Running from memories of the past. Running from the guilt that plagues me. Running from bad relationships and bad decisions. Running from the things that I know are right. Running from the things I need/want to do.

Yet it seems that though the want and need to do these "other" things are here, I can't. Lack of focus keeps me distracted, and the lack of commitment keeps me from prioritizing. The things I need to take care of are not huge items, but that doesn't negate the fact they need to be taken care of. There are pressing matters like my relationship with God that NEEDS attention. Spending time in the world helps with several issues ~ first, the God issues, the commitment, and the focus things. The more I read, the more I realize that my relationship with God isn't going to become stronger or deeper because I read a devotional book. It appears as though (pardon the song reference) there is a God-shaped hole in each of us that only He can fill. Sorrow carves out more of the whole and makes it deeper. What began as a small hole can become much larger and seem unfillable. Joy is what fills in what sorrow carves out. How can we be filled with intense joy if we do not know intense sorrow? All that makes complete sense in my head... but the heart doesn't understand intense sorrow. My heart is weary. My heart is tired, and the hole continues to grow.

Where are the answers that I so desperately need? Where is the direction I once had? In college, I was determined to succeed. Where are the dreams that I once had? The dreams and aspirations I once had seem to have decapitated. At least they haven't been replaced by aimless dreams... but I'm wandering aimlessly in this life. I'm driven when it comes to work, but that's because it's the only thing I know works at keeping me "present". I still feel all the same feelings and touches, smell all the same smells, hear all of the same sounds and words, and still see all of the images of things children should never have recollections of. I value my work and it gives me a place to feel value. The problem is that I allow my work to overpower the things I need to do. Funny thing... Jennifer, the new trainer, told me that she perceives that I have it all together and that I carry myself very well. If she only knew the amount of turmoil and disaster that resides in this heart and mind...

Isn't that the case with everyone though? Don't get me wrong, it is encouraging to me, sadly, that the perception she has is the one I WANT people to have. There are times, thought, when you want to be real about what you feel ~ to cry when you feel like crying, to scream when you feel like screaming, and to run away when you want to... you get the picture. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. That someone hasn't appeared yet. I just want to be reassured that I'm going to make it and that I have something to live for. I want to feel the hands of compassion. I want to hear words of truth that will replace the crap in my head.

Time is precious, and I don't want to waste it. I'm trying to focus on working through my past and SI issues. It's hard. Overwhelming most of time is more like it. The memories are hard to shake especially when body memories are integrated into many of them. SI is difficult to manage at work and isn't something that I want to become a "norm". I'm simply at a loss. I'm scared and terrified.

I'm desperate for direction. Direction for goals, dreams, and more importantly, WORDS. The silence is destroying me ~ quickly.

MEMPHIS WITH APRIL...

2006-05-29T22:54:00.000-05:00

I've just gotten back a couple of hours ago from a fabulous weekend with my best friend April. Both of has had a great desire to get away from our respective towns for the extended weekend and didn't want to drive FOREVER! So we decided to meet in the middle. Memphis is halfway to each other.... Three hours. Not too bad.

After work on Friday, we both headed to Memphis. I found us a hotel on the University of Memphis campus that wasn't too out of our price range. A lot of the other rooms at other hotels were booked, I suppose because of the holiday and the associated traveling.

After getting in late and resting on Friday night, we decided to head to the Memphis Zoo. We had a great time... We did have a bit of excitement at the Polar Bear exibit... I passed out completely in the building where you can see the Polar Bears underwater. They were planning a feeding at 1:30... so the place was PACKED! Let's just say it was quite interesting. I recovered after practically being molested by like five people who stated they were doctors or nurses, and being taken to the medic building and given water to drink to rehydrate. I wasn't dehydrated, I have neurocardiogenic syncope. It just happens... Nothing causes me to pass out... Sometimes, I just happens... Anyway, we finished the zoo adventure, and I have lots of pictures!!!

We ventured Saturday evening to Memphis in May. We ventured downtown, and amazingly, didn't get lost! We walked down by the river where the concert was. April and I both LOVE to people watch, and let me tell you, it was definitely a people-watching event. There were thousands of people there. All walks of life. Young, old, rich, poor, the clean, and the not so clean....

We stayed for a while, but decided after a while to head out to get something for dinner. We checked out this bar like place across the street from where we parked. There was live music which was kind of nice. The only problem was that it was SUPER loud. I had a headache from when I passed out earlier that day... So that was not a good combination. The waitress comes by and tells us that the kitchen was closed. It was only 8:30... amazing, but I guess a bar makes its money from alcohol and not much food... Anyway, we grabbed a bite to eat and headed back to the hotel.

Sunday, we headed to Bellevue Baptist Church in Cordova.

If you driven on I-40 around Germantown you've probably noticed the three ginormous crosses. We decided that since we were there, we'd check it out. The sanctuary was absolutely beautiful... It was a fabulous service, and the Lord definately spoke to me. He talked about evangelism mostly, but also did a "side sermon" on being a good leader and follower. He gave the following as qualities of a good FOLLOWER:

       1.     Accepts direction & instruction.
       2.     Active rather than passive.
       3.     Willing to accept the responsibility for their own actions as well as the group.
       4.     Creative and resourceful.
       5.     Loyal.

Interestingly enough, the qualities of a good follower are the same qualities of a good leader. A good follower will always be able to step up and be a good leader whenever necessary.

Just a little take away that I'm hoping I can use at work. Speaks volumes to many things that I'm working with right now. The sermon only topped it off. I need to be more intentional about alot of things. The key ~ being intentional about being intentional!

We decided afterwards that we would head to Germantown for lunch and some shopping. Topped off with an ice cream treat from ColdStone, we had a great afternoon. We headed back to the hotel worn out from being in the heat the night before. Plus, we are use to Sunday afternoon naps! Trained beings need the habitual activities we are accustomed to! I'm not use to taking naps on Sunday, but April is. She took a nap, and I watched some TV.

That evening we headed down to Beale Street, famous for the BLUES... It was busy to say the least. There were alot of folks there. It was interesting to hear the bands and just the atmosphere of Beale Street. We decided to eat there on Beale Street.

We ate beside this fountain. How cool is that? Also included in this atmosphere was another SUPER loud band. They were good, but they certainly were loud. After dinner, we ventured the rest of Beale Street and then, around 11:00, headed back to the hotel for some shut-eye.

We decided to sleep late this morning and head to breakfast at the last minute. We checked out a french pastry shop close to the hotel and then shortly afterwards headed back to our respective hometowns.

She understands me more than anyone. I feel like I can be me around her, and she won't judge me. I can laugh, cry, even faint, and it doesn't matter. Being with her this weekend was refreshing and liberating. I'm glad we decided to get away. I had a great time, and I'm sure she did too. I'm so thankful for you April!

I'M NOT ENOUGH...

2006-05-09T21:41:00.002-05:00

Needing...

Wanting.......

Coming up short....

Tim, you're right. I'm not still enough. It's like I'm afraid to be still and know He is God. I can't explain it. I love Him, and I fear Him. I need Him, but I'm pushing Him away. I crave Him, but... somehow, I have no "appetite". Truth is:
I know I need Him more than ever right now...

MATTERS OF THE HEART...

2006-05-03T23:26:00.002-05:00

I need a new reality. There's a saying that perception is always someone's reality. Doesn't that stand to reason that there are endless realities???

A PRAYER OF TRUTH AND A SAD REALITY...

2006-01-30T23:53:00.001-06:00

I’m amazed at where I am at. I’m at a place that I never thought I’d ever be. The abuse is all I’ve ever know, but I had no idea it could take me to such dark places. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know where else to go. I do know that I need you more than ever. I can’t do this alone anymore. My strength is completely gone. I’m exhausted from fighting. I feel like I've been abandoned by everyone, everyone except Mignonne. No one knows the darkness, the pain, the fear, the anger, or the rage. No one knows how weak I really am. The person they see is a fake. I'm living a lie, and I have been for some time. I have to come clean. This filth is killing me. Not only is it simply exhausting, it's old. I don't want to live like this anymore.

I’ve got to be honest. A large part of me doesn’t believe. It isn’t that I don’t believe that You can change my life… It’s that I don’t believe You will. A large part of my heart doesn’t understand a lot of things. I don’t understand how a loving God could allow such terror to happen to a child. I don’t understand how a just God could allow one man to alter the course of not just one life, but four, if not more, lives. I don’t understand how a trusting God could allow this heart to wander so far. I do understand it was my decision to do so. It’s a decision I’ll regret for my entire life. I wasted valuable time doubting. I’ve wasted more than time. I’ve wasted my life and only You can help me regain what I’ve wasted away.

I’m asking for a kind of restoration that only you can provide. My mind is corrupted with images of warped sexuality, voices that utter lies and repulsive words. At times, the images, words, smells, and thoughts last for hours. I'm at a loss as to how to handle it anymore. The effects of SI is weakening. I'm finding that my heart tries to escape in ways that I know aren't pleasing to you. Your blood covers a multitude of sins, and I'm asking you to cover mine. I've strayed so far, and I've allowed myself to become calloused to your voice. I'm scared about my life, but more importantly, I'm scared because I don't hear you. I've allowed the enemy to have free reign on my heart and mind to the point that I'm afraid that he won't let go. I'm asking for restoration that only you can provide.

You are my one and only. The only one I have left to turn to. You are the one that can redeem me. You are the one that can restore me. You are the one that can heal me. I believe... Please, help my unbelief that seems to overpower the little belief that I do have. I'm claiming the sacrifice you made for mankind... for myself. I need the cleansing power of the blood you shed. I need the healing power it gives ~ spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I'm amazed that a loving and just God would allow me to return to you and ask for such things. I'm amazed that you continue to love me despite the fact that I don't comprehend it. I'm amazed that you care about me when I've purposely run from you. I want to live for you, to love you, and to know you. I fear that I lack the faith. I fear that I lack the determination. I fear that I... fear! I pray that you'll calm the fear that lies within. Restore the faith from when I first believed. Help me to conquer the past and face the fears of yesterday.

Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow." Isaiah 1:18

"Jesus Paid It All"
I hear the Savior say,
"Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all."

For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim,
I’ll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calvary’s Lamb.

And now complete in Him
My robe His righteousness,
Close sheltered ’neath His side,
I am divinely blest.

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy power and Thine alone,
Can change the leper’s spots
And melt the heart of stone.

When from my dying bed
My ransomed soul shall rise,
"Jesus died my soul to save,"
Shall rend the vaulted skies.

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I’ll lay my trophies down
All down at Jesus’ feet.

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED...

2006-01-14T01:05:00.002-06:00

Take the road less traveled...

just don't get lost.

THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM...

2006-01-13T02:12:00.004-06:00

Things are sometimes not what they seem to be. I think with certain situations in life we tend to want to believe too much in others. We want to see what isn’t there in hopes that one day it will magically appear. The hope of possibility is what drives obsessions and somehow we convince ourselves that this nonexistent thing does in fact exist. I have realized that sometimes I believe to strongly in PEOPLE, in the sense that they are better than who they actually are. I always see people's potential and encourage them to follow that. But I always end up disappointed because I have these expectations for them that can never be met. Not that I am disappointed in them because of what they did or did not accomplish, but rather for them because I believe that they can be better. But disappointment stems from expectations and having expectations is a part of hope. So how can we have hope and yet not be disappointed? Don't the two go hand in hand? They do, but they also do not. You can be hopeful of things for yourself because at least that is something that you have control over. We can control our actions and steer our own course, but when we try to do this for someone else it ends up being nothing but disappointment. We cannot control anyone. As much as we'd all like to think we can to a certain extent, in reality, we can't control anyone's live. Everyone has to make their own decisions and find their own way. All we can do is give our advice and opinion in order to help them find their way. Ultimately, any and every decision is made by them - for them. Just because we give them our opinions it doesn't give us the right to hold these expectations for them. We can't put them up on a pedestal where our hope for them is greater than who they are capable of being. I think one thing that we have to realize is that some people strive for greatness, yet others work toward mediocrity. What we want for ourselves can't be what we want for anyone else. It's just unrealistic. I learned quite a bit this past year, about life, trusting, and gratitude. And it wasn't because of Thanksgiving or Christmas that I learned about gratitude. All my life, I've been waiting. Waiting to get to high school, waiting to graduate high school, waiting to graduate from college, waiting to get home, waiting, waiting, and more waiting. Waiting for the next stage to begin life, as though everything else was simply preparation. But THIS is life, not just in the medical sense, but life in the fullest sense of the word. THIS, right now, is was I was made for. And if I die tomorrow, it won't be that I died prematurely or before my life was finished, it will be that I died BECAUSE my life is finished. At least life on earth. Live like you were dying. But I don't think death is the issue. The issue isn't that you might die tomorrow. The issue is that we are living today, and it is the only today we are ever going to get, regardless of how many tomorrow there are. And I realized that so many things that consume my time and thoughts are just not worth it. And so many things that DON'T consume my time ARE worth it. A year ago, I was mad at God. But now, I have learned to do everything I can to place all of my own hopes, dreams, and all aspects of my life into His hands. And He knows what He's doing. Does it hurt? Yeah. Am I confused? Terribly. But I can trust that God has a plan, even when I don't see it. Even when I don't understand, even when it hurts so badly. In the midst of great pain and accompanied by unrelenting tears, I offered honest worship to God sitting in a car in a dark parking lot, and it was a beautiful thing. I thought about how foolish it must look to those who don't believe - even to those that do believe - to worship God, to call Him love when He allows heartache and pain in my life. But that is what I believe: that He is too wise to be mistaken, too good to be unkind. That God is true, even if it means everything else is false. And THAT is what ALL my hope rests on. In 2006, I want to live honorably through my thoughts, actions and speech. I want to be full of faith, not only be a hearer but a doer of the Word of God. I want to serve before I demand, love and not hate, give before I take. I want to make Godly relationships a priority in my life and esteem others higher than myself. I want to dedicate my life to prayer and ask God for His miraculous power and the courage to do the IMPOSSIBLE. I want to make a difference in this world and be a part of something bigger than myself. I want to live my life in such a way that I, as Christ uses me, will change the world!!!

EUPHORIA

2006-01-08T22:15:00.003-06:00

Euphoria

We all want to go there
We just get there in different ways
Some take the drink
Some take the pill
The smoke, The shot, The cut
The binge, The purge, The starve
We all get there somehow
We all use something
To numb the pain
Just to feel better
Even if it is just for a little while
It is worth it
Because we get some relief
We find ourselves in a perfect place
Where we don't have to feel
And life doesn't seem so real
We find ourselves in a perfect euphoria
The irony is that sometimes we need to numb the pain
And sometimes we need to feel something
Anything
We use the same behaviors
To accomplish two completely opposite things
Either way
We can never stay
In our perfect euphoria
Even though we never want to leave
Because it is like a dream
It is a whole other world
And IT is the only place where we find relief
If it was possible
We would stay in our euphoria forever
Because it feels better
Than anything else
But alas we know we cannot
We soon fade out
Of our perfect euphoric state
We return to teh real world
And everythign that we were running from
We try to stay in this world for a while
Until we cannot handle it anymore
We have to return to one of our behaviors
Because what we all want
Is to fall back into our perfect euphoria
And stay there forever.

DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?

2005-12-13T18:32:00.000-06:00

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Hear the sound of wind passing through broken trees,
Hear the sound of my feet crushing fallen leaves.
Hear the rain splash against the concrete.
Hear the footsteps, as they run off the street.
Hear the magic of silence filling my ears.
Hear the first drops of rain washing out my fears.
Hear the sound of my heart, beating wildly in my chest.
Hear the sound of my tears drowning out the rest.
Hear the hopes of the people surrounding me.
Hear the dreams of what people want to be.
Hear the smiles, that they usually see.
Hear the laughter that hasn't been directed at me.
Hear the sound of my voice screaming leave me alone.
Hear the laughs of the people, their sickening tones.
Hear the sobbing that comes from my heart.
Hear the sound of it ripping apart.
Hear the talking, oblivious of what's going on.
Hear the conversations, oblivious something is wrong.
Hear the voices that fill my head with sorrow.
Hear the voice in my head saying:
Tell me, will it still be here tomorrow?

GOD SHOWS UP...

2005-12-11T23:23:00.002-06:00

A lot has happened since I last updated. Where to begin... Still no job, so there isn't any "good" news on that subject.

Last week was... amazing. It had many LOW moments... but God made an amazing appearance! And I'm going to tell you how...

Wednesday was a tough day. I was very discouraged on the job prospects, and my unemployment had run out the week before. I hadn't mentioned this to anyone. So keep that in mind. My brain automatically begins to figure how much I was "lacking" in funds to pay the necessary bills. Around like 4:45 or 5:00, I was talking to this guy about a job prospect. The conversation was good, and I'm sure that he's a nice guy. But... he's like everyone else. Everyone wants to to be able to have all of these "skills", be licensed, to be educated, and to have at least 5-10 years experience, but they only want to pay you $10.00 per hour! WHAT THE SAM H!?!?!?!?!?! So, anyway, this was another possibility down the drain...

So, I wasn't to excited about going to church. Actually thought about staying home... I decided to go to dinner at the church. I found David and Becky, and they saw me and gave me a group hug. I totally cried like a baby. It was good to be held for a moment... David, a mentor of mine, stopped me and said, "Hey, I NEED to see you before you leave the church tonight." We agree on a place and time. I go and sit down to eat dinner to then contemplate what he wanted to talk to me about for about an hour and a half!

So, at the respective time and place, David finds me and puts his arm around me... He asks, "Do you know I love you? Do you know that I'm proud of you?" Then he asks, "How are you today?" My relpy was, "Today's been rough... just don't make me cry." He's good at that. He can see right through my "mask" straight into your heart. He reads my eyes. He reads my heart and knows exactly what to say... Anyway... He continues to say a lot of encouraging things and then tells me about a gentleman that he knows....

This man is wealthy, and finds joy and contentment in helping others. David proceeded to hand me a $4,000.00 check. This anonymous person gave me money!? I'm still not sure I deserve the money. But this is provision from the Lord. Who am I to deny His path?

I cried for like two hours! God is so amazing. Even when I struggle to follow Him, He is faithful to the end. His promises remain true. He's promised to provide, and provide He has done. I shouldn't doubt... sadly... I do.

Another perk of last week... I won tickets to go see "The Chronicles of Narnia" from a local radio station. We were given tickets to a special "pre-show" on Thursday before the movie came out on Friday. Might I say that it was more than incredible. Amazing. Insightful. Have I said AMAZING? And I got to see it for FREE! Yeah. I love FREE.

God is good. He consistently shows up... I need to be looking for Him in the BIG and the small.

UNBALANCED SCALES...

2005-11-28T18:45:00.000-06:00

Whatever happened to the happy endings? I'm sick of the angry shouts, tear-stained faces, and full graveyards that tell the story of today.

There is, after all, another side to the world in which we live. But the sob stories and criminal stories never seem to end. Why don't we hear about the success stories and the happy endings?! I know that they exist, and I want to hear about them.

A balance must be kept between good and bad. Why do the scales seem to be leaning heavily on the downside of life? This side of life does need to be reported, if for nothing else, just so people are informed. Yet, people need to be told abut the wonderful things of life, too. After days of hearing about nothing but killing, AIDS, and drugs, one tens to be come a little depressed. Those little upsides of life are what gives hope that life is still worth the living.

The media is a major influence on our lives. So, if you have ever wondered why people are so pessimistic, you don't have to look far for the answer. The front page of the newspaper is full of murder, racism, and drugs. So are the third, fourth, and fifth pages. If you do happen to find a light-hearted article, it's generally around one paragraph long and buried in the back pages. On the news you hear about the same things you read about. Compare the two minute "good news break" to the thirty minute parade of rape, deficit, and war stories. The differences are numerous and unmistakable.

I am convinced that the world needs more positive attitudes. The right outlook on life can change perspective and make life seem kinder. Pessimism is running rampant and optimism is being stomped on during the stampede. Life isn't as bad as it seems. By assuming an optimistic view, we can make life better for ourselves and others.

I THANK GOD FOR...

2005-11-15T20:40:00.002-06:00

Today, I thank God for many things. I thank Him for the gift of sight, for with it I can witness radiating smiles, the rainbow that appears after every storm, and the colors that make up this beautiful mosaic I live in. I thank Him for the gift of hearing, for with it I can hear the words "thank you", the sound of a light rain hitting my bedroom window, and the sound of a child's laughter. I thank Him for the gift of taste, for with it I can enjoy the sourness of my favorite candy, the sweetness off the cake I taste on special occasions, and home cooked meals made by giving hands. I thank Him for the gift of smell, for with it I can experience the smell of freshly cut grass, the smell of fresh laundry, and incoming rain, and the smell of brownies cooking in the oven. I thank Him for the gift of touch, for with it I can wrap my arms around someone I love in a hug, wipe away a child's tears, hold the hand of someone special, and comfort a friend during a painful and confusing time. I thank Him for His unconditional love in spite of the many times I have misused the gifts He has given me. I have abused the body He has given me. I have sued the feet that He has given me to attempt to run from Him. I have used my mouth He created me with to speak hurtful words. I have also abused the same mouth by keeping it closed in times when I should have spoken in His defense or shared the glory of His love with others. I thank Him for the times I have experienced pure joy and happiness. I thank God for the many mistakes I have made, for with them I have learned a tremendous amount about myself, life, and my Savior. I thank Him for the times I have suffered, for it has taught me what it is to forgive, to love, and to survive. I am thankful family, my genetic family and my church family, for it has given me a active place to give, love, and learn. I thank Him for a pastor who loves God more than the opinions of other people, who guides us in the truth, and challenges me to a deeper faith. I thank the Lord for the many people who have crossed my path over the course of my life. Each of them played a certain role in my life, and for that I am grateful. For without each of them, both positive and negative influences, I would not be the person I am today. I cannot thank God enough for everything! All I can do is to do my very best to live a life for Him, with Him, and to make Him the center of all that I am!

GASPING FOR AIR...

2005-11-11T00:45:00.000-06:00

Do you ever get the impression you are trying to reach some goal that is unobtainable or better yet, unknown? Working hard to reach this unknown, unobtainable goal ~ it's exhausting.

I find myself wanting more. Wanting more of Jesus. To know Him more. To know more of His Word. Some days I feel so close. I can see Him in everything. For instance, the turning of the leaves to the most beautiful colors. They color the sky as they hang on to the limbs that will eventually let them loose. I love this time of year, simply to see the handiwork of the Creator. I love to look at the sky and see the artist in Him as He colors the sky with amazing colors! A blue sky is lathered in yellow, orange, red, and pink. No two are the same. The mountains (very little unless you go to Knoxville) and hills here in the area are amazing to look at. The way he molded the earth in a "pointless" yet purposeful fashion. The landscape of my Creator is simply a complex canvas.

He is amazing. Yet, somehow I feel I lack the capacity to know Him as I DESIRE. Maybe it's where I am in life ~ you know, part of my healing process. I'm not sure. I know that in my heart, I desire to know Him more, just as Paul wrote:

"But whatever was to my profit, I know consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that come from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 4:7-11

I had a talk with David tonight. Our purpose for talking was to update him on my journey. You see, he began this journey back in June of 2004. It was a difficult time for me, because I wasn't sure I was ready. So I entered counseling, not really because I wanted to, but because he saw that I was having a tough time. Funny thing is, that God totally used it. He used Ken, the first counselor, knew of my current counselor, Mignonne. Without going to see Ken ~ who David suggested ~ I would have never connected with Mignonne. Anyway, when I started seeing Mignonne, I decided that this journey had to be something that I wanted ~ not something that David wants for me. I had to own this journey or I wouldn't really work for it. That was when God showed up for me! I remember that day, praying in my car on my way home that if this was His timing, He was going to have to SHOW me. Well, Mignonne, told me the next week that she wouldn't be charging me for my counseling. God showed up, and He showed up BIG TIME!

Since then, it has definitely been a journey. Some times were spent in the desert, as my heart continued to dry out and remained parched. Some times were spent on the beach, basking in God's bountiful grace and love. Its been hard a lot of days, and easy other days. But I can look back and see progress. I can't say this most days, but progress is evident.

David said something to me tonight that struck me. He knows all about my struggles spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. He looked at me tonight, and he told me he was proud of me. He said, "You are so much... more." I said, "More, more what?" His reply, "Just more, of everything. You seem happier and more at peace. You seem to enjoy life more. You are more encouraging. You smile more. You laugh more. You relate more. You are just... More."

Didn't I just write that I want MORE? But not more of me. More of Him. But it's interesting, the MORE of HIM I get, the MORE I become like Him. I become MORE, as David said, because I have MORE OF HIM... Seems like I'm striving for the right thing. I just don't want the praise and glory. I want that to be all about Christ. I want more of Him, so others see more of Him. It's true less is more.

"He must become more, and I must become less." John 3:30

WANTING MORE...

2005-11-08T00:18:00.001-06:00

Grasping at air... Do you ever get the impression you are trying to reach some goal that is unobtainable or better yet, unknown? Working hard to reach this unknown, unobtainable goal ~ it's exhausting, yet somehow impowering. I find myself wanting more. Wanting more of Jesus. To know Him more. To know more of His Word. Some days I feel so close. I can see Him in everything. The turning of the leaves to the most beautiful colors. They color the sky as they hang on to the limbs that will eventually let them loose. I love this time of year, simply to see the handiwork of the Creator. I love to look at the sky and see the artist in Him as He colors the sky with amazing colors! A blue sky is lathered in yellow, orange, red, and pink. No two are the same. The mountains (very little unless you go to Knoxville) and hills here in the area are amazing to look at. The way he molded the earth in a "pointless" yet purposeful fashion. The landscape of my Creator is simply a complex canvas. I'm not one for complacency. I know I don't want to be where I am forever. Again, I want more. More of who God created me to be. More of what He has for me. I want to be more and do more for Him. He is amazing. Yet, somehow I feel as though I lack the capacity to know Him as I DESIRE. Maybe it's where I am in life ~ you know, part of my healing process. I do know I've learned alot in the past 18 months. God is amazing. The journey I started back 18 months has become a beautiful trail of experience with Him. I'm becoming who He wants me to be. I'm becoming the more He desires for me to be. I know I'll continue to strive to know Him better, just as Paul wrote: "But whatever was to my profit, I know consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that come from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 4:7-11

FREE THE DALIT...

2005-11-07T01:59:00.001-06:00

At the top are the Brahmins, the priests and arbiters of what is right and wrong in matters of religion and society. Next come the Kshatriyas, who are soldiers and administrators. The Vaisyas are the artisan and commercial class, and finally, the Sudras are the farmers and the peasant class. These four castes are said to have come from Brahma's mouth (Brahmin), arms (Kshatriyas), thighs (Vaisyas) and feet (Sudras).

Beneath the four main castes is a fifth group, the Scheduled Caste. They literally have no caste. They are the untouchables, the Dalits, which means oppressed, downtrodden and exploited social group.

A Dalit is not considered to be part of the human society, but something, which is beyond that. The Dalits perform the most menial and degrading jobs. Sometimes Dalits perform important jobs, but this is mostly not socially recognized. Dalits are seen as polluting for higher caste people. If a higher caste Hindu is touched by an untouchable or even had a Dalit's shadow across them, they consider themselves to be polluted and have to go through a rigorous series of rituals to be cleansed.

In India there are approximately 250 million Dalits. This means that 25% of the population is Dalit. It also means that in a country, where everybody is supposed to have equal rights and opportunities, 1 out of 4 persons is condemned to be untouchable.

In general one can say that being a Brahmin means that you are more privileged. This can imply having a good education and, accordingly, a more powerful position in the society. Being born as a Dalit you will be less well off and because of less education you will have a less good job. In daily life there are a lot of consequences of being a Dalit.

Dalits are poor, deprived and socially backward. Poor means that they do not have access to enough food, health care, housing and/or clothing (which means that their physiological and safety needs are not fulfilled). They also do not have access to education and employment. With deprived we would like to underline the injustice they face in every days life. Officially, everybody in India has the same rights and duties, but the practice is different. Social backwardness, lack of access to food, education and health care keeps them in bondage of the upper castes.

I have developed this passion for this group of people. They are an oppressed people. They are people just like me, with needs just like me and you. Why are Americans so selfish to think that our culture is dominant and that everyone lives awesome lives like us? How shallow have we become; how shallow have I become? What can we do? What can be done?

Free the Dalit. I'm writing my politicians, Senator Lamar Alexander, Senator Bill Frist, and my local House Representative. The Council has allowed the Dalits to file for action. Pray that the Parliament will have favor upon this oppressed people. You, too, can find out more. You, too, can write your local politicians and ask they speak on your behalf which is the Dalit's voice.

Please don't just let this information fall on deaf ears - or blind eyes. We are called to DO and BE. Let's do and be for the Dalits.

PLEASE HEAR WHAT I'M NOT SAYING...

2005-11-05T05:45:00.002-06:00

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
by Charles C. Finn
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
an none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth but my surfaces is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glace that knows.

But such a glace is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it.
Tat is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prision walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing thtat will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, willnot be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid taht deep-down, I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
adn a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything.
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out yoru hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings ~
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to tough me inot feeling
you can breath life inot me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creater--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for this child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am somone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet,
and I am every woman you meet.

JERRY'S SERVICE

2005-11-04T00:36:00.000-06:00

Jerry's service was tonight. Doug Little played and sang. Jonathan read a letter that Shane wrote to Jerry. It was moving on several levels. Overall, it was a great service ~ one that spoke the truth of Christ and the power and impact of the cross. What a blessing!

I was thinking how music speaks to me. I'm not big on expressing myself in situations like death and funerals. I'm the one at the visitation and other gatherings making people smile and laugh... to lighten the mood a bit. But when I begin to cry ~ watch out cause there's going to be a FOUNTAIN. I'm a big "feeling" person, though I can't really identify them.

Jerry was a quiet man. He was very intellectual. Always seeking knowledge and insight. He was a spiritual man who was in love with his Abba. He liked to read. In a six year period, he read like 50 books ~ and that was just the ones he wrote down. He had many inventions that he would have loved to have had patented and come to reality. He always sought new ways to do things. He sought simplicity. Most importantly, he sought Jesus. I admired him. Admiration because of his search for simplicity and his quietness. He was a man of few words. But when he spoke, it was his dry humor which always cause a chuckle or it was words that were real. They didn't just fill a room. They were the real thing. He was sincere. He loved. He simply sought to be a better person in all that he did.

I hope to do the same. I'm seeking to be a better person. I don't want to remain where I am spiritually, emotionally, or mentally. I want to be the me that Christ wants me to be.

SADNESS...

2005-10-26T00:53:00.001-05:00

Things have been crazy. I'm sad for a couple of reasons.

First, I've been at Alive Hospice all this evening. Val's dad is in his last days of life. It makes me very sad to see him like this. Slowly, we've been watching him die. It's just really hard. Brain cancer has attacked him in a way that I didn't think possible. He doesn't know who we are. His wife, his children, and others have come in to visit, but he doesn't know who anyone is. We've asked him several times, and he hasn't a clue. The thing that saddens me the most is the fact that he wakes up scared and feels alone. He truly isn't alone, but to not know anyone would be scary. Dying alone is sad. I wish he would know who we are simply for the fact he didn't have to feel lonely while dying. I prayed tonight that Jesus would come and be with him in a special way and to comfort him when he's scared, and make His presence known when he feels lonely.

Second, there was a guy at my church who was one of those faces that always smiled, and was always there with an encouraging word. Frank died early this morning after being diagnosed six months ago with leukemia. His memorial service is at Forest Hills this Thursday, and the choir is singing. He was a choir member, and he and his wife have requested for the choir that he loved so much to sing at his service. I'm going to do what I can to be there. I don't know why I couldn't be there seeing I'm not working and all.

Thirdly, this begins the season that I begin thinking about the passing of my own family members. I loved my grandparents so much. I only had one set of grandparents. Technically, I had two, but never knew them. My mothers parents weren't in the picture. My grandmother on my mother's side held me once, but died before I was old enough to know her. My grandfather on my mother's side was murdered, and I never knew him. So my grandparents on my dad's side are the only grandparents I've really ever had. I miss them so much. My grandmother had cerocis of the liver. Though this is a common condition with alcoholics, she never drank. It is also hereditary. She began to get sick early in the summer of 1997. She was put in a hospital around August and finally moved to a Nursing Home in late October. I saw her only once or twice during that time. I had just begun my freshman year in college, and things at home were rough at best. I didn't want to go home or spend time with my family. I didn't go with them on many occasions to see her, thinking my mother was making things sound worse than they really were. I went to see her the first weekend of November, and she passed on the 7th. I miss her so much. My grandfather was alone for four and a half years. He would go and eat breakfast at the little airport in Dexter. Every morning he would go. He began having a bit of trouble with a few things and decided to check himself into the Nursing Home for a bit. He wasn't planning on staying there long term. He was going to get a few things in order, and them come back home. He never came home. On Christmas Day 2000, the family obviously was celebrating Christmas. We were all at my parents house, and I was staying there over the Christmas Break from college. We all talked to him, even Rebecca who was only 3. She still remembers that conversation with him. He died that night. So the holidays hold sad memories.

I don't know that I've grieved. Dissociation has become a way of coping for dealing with issues that seem to be difficult. In fact, much of my life I've dissociated. Events are just events for the day and hold little if any meaning later on. I cried the day of the funeral, but beyond that, I've not really dealt with it.

Sorrow may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning!!!

STEVE HILL'S "WHOSOEVER"

2005-10-25T10:21:00.000-05:00

    You'ns, y'all, us'ns, we we'ns, you's guys, you guys, all, each person, that individual, all the people, kids adolescents, old folks, young folks, city slickers, farm boys, home boys, hamburger flippers, ice cream dippers, teeter totter riders, fearless skydivers, short order cooks and collectors of books, smart people that teach, and mooches that leach, Michiganders from Kalamazoo, and citizens of Timbuktu, butchers and bakers, and candlestick makers, anybody can be saved. "Whosoever," that is you!
    You can be big, tall, small short, full-headed, gray-headed, bald headed, headed for bald headed, big boned, medium boned, small boned, blond hair, black hair, red hair, green hair, gross hair, red, yellow, black or white. You are precious in His sight.
    You can be sort of bad, sort of real bad, really bad, baddest of bad, or king of bad.
    You can live uptown, downtown, out of town, suburbs, big house, small house, no house, jailhouse, little house on the prairie, penthouse in Pittsburgh, Days Inn in downtown Dayton...
    You can be a Jew from Jerusalem or a Gentile from Jacksonville. You can play the banjo or be named Joe and play in a band. You can be so smart that you can say the ABCs backward or be so backward that you never learned the ABCs. You can hold the Guinness Book of World Records for eating the most live slugs or have a collection of the world's most colorful bugs. You can be visiting this revival like everyone "oughta" or come walking off the streets from Boston just to get a drink of "wata."
    You can be patriotic, wearing red, white, and blue and be sitting by your friend who has a big tattoo. You can be a shepherd from the hills or a pusher of pills, a wise man from afar or a soap opera star. You can be a Methodist from Montana or a Jew from Japan, be a vegetarian from Virginia or a connoisseur of Spam. You can come from Texas in a Lexus with spurs in your heels, or be a fly fisherman from Frankfurt with 15 shiny reels.
    You can make your living churning delicious homemade butter, or spend every day collecting cans in the gutter. You can play a guitar and be an international star, or be clown in a circus driving the world's smallest car. You can be the tidiest person this world has ever known, or live like a pig with garbage in your home.
    You can keep up with the Joneses or be the Jones's housekeeper or maybe the coolest dude in school with the largest florescent beeper. You can smell like Chanel and live like a queen, or make your abode in an alley wearing tattered Levi's jeans. You can drive a BMW and wear flashy Italian suits or ride and Appaloosa sporting pointed cowboy boots.
    It doesn't make a difference if you're happy or you're blue, just call upon the Lord- "whosoever," that's you!

- Steve Hill's "whosoever" passage

OUR DEEPEST FEAR...

2005-10-23T23:59:00.000-05:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine as children do. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Sir, I just want to say thank you. You saved my life. From Coach Carter Also from Matthew 5:14-16, 2 Corinthians 4:6-12, 1 John 1:5-7, Psalm 34:1-5, and many other Scriptures

FROM BETH MOORE STUDY...

2005-10-21T23:21:00.000-05:00

I typed this out tonight as I was finishing up my Beth Moore Study from a couple of weeks ago. This is from her video session and kicked my tail.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

How desperately do you need people around? We are WHO we ARE without our GANG and our GAME. Our relationship with God is no stronger than it is when we are all alone with him. And we are no one different than we are when we are all alone. We cover ourselves with

How much do we resist being all by ourselves. And when we are all by ourselves, how do we feel? Depressed? How often do we find that when we are entirely alone, we feel depressed? If we do, something is wrong. There's something that God needs to tend to our in our hearts, and we're keeping ourselves busy and in a frenzy and surrounded by people to keep from dealing with the issue. What happens when we got no gang? What happens when we got no game?

Statistics say, one in four women do, when you come from a background of sexual abuse, you got into survival mode. Natural survival skills that in our human nature all by itself, we will come up with ways to survive. And part of that is, you come up with a game. You decide who you wish you were, and you try to play that that's you. And then somewhere along the way, you don't even know where reality is anymore. You don't even know who you are. "I didn't pick a life I'd have to lie about." It's deception, but to the victim of abuse, it isn't a fair thing to call it that.

Have you realized somewhere along the way that you have had a stronghold of deception? Do you find yourself somehow skirting around or rearranging the facts? Do you find very often that you are covering in such a way that to a very real degree, you are living a lie or can look back on your past and say, I have lived a lie? Until we deal with that, we'll always have our game. We'll keep ourselves covered in activity and people because we don't want to have to deal with the face to face truth of who God is. Because when we encounter Him, we know the game is over. Lord, it is deception.

I was dying in the secret. "You don't understand! My life is sinking here!"

Coming to God and say, "This is who I am, and I am so sorry." Honesty has to become a priority.

I had a heart for God, I wasn't trying to be a hypocrite. I wanted to be the person I was playing like I was. Does that still count as a hypocrite? I WANTED to be that person. I had a HEART for GOD. I was playing like I wasn't doing some of these relational things I was doing on the side. I didn't even want to do them. Another professes to be less of a Christian than me. But at least as that lesser Christian, she was every bit of it, 100% of the less she professed to be! I professed to be much more than that and wasn't half of it!

God wants to bless you. Sometimes he has to injure you, like Jacob, for us to let Him. Sometimes we are so resistant to Him, He has to hurt us enough to get us to submit enough to let Him bless us. Sometimes in the dark of our night seasons, we dont' know with whom we are struggling until the light begins to dawn. Sometimes who we are struggling with the enemy himself. Sometimes an issue comes through that we wrestle with God Himself. But stay face-to-face with him, make an honest appraisal, fight an honest fight. Wrestle it through. When God allows or even invites us to wrestle with Him, His constant goal is to make us overcomers. Even when God appears to be against us, He is for us.

He gives an honest blessing every time. In every struggle, DO NOT let go until the blessing comes. Few things define us more than how we struggle. When we struggle through the crisis with God all the way to the blessing, we are gloriously redefined. What if I believed God enough to just let Him make us entirely new? Revelation 2:17 Is the significance of my 'new' name only understood by me and God?

There are some things just between me and God. Things that need to change. Things that need your touch ~ your healing touch.

GOD IS PERFECT LOVE...

2005-09-25T23:53:00.000-05:00

The Beth Moore event was FABULOUS! It was a good to get away and really think and contemplate on the LORD and my walk with HIM. Beth's points from the conference on LOVE is:

1.) GOD IS PERFECT LOVE.
2.) NOTHING CAN SEPARATE ME FROM GOD'S PERFECT LOVE.
3.) GOD POURS HIS PERFECT LOVE INTO MY IMPERFECT HEART.
4.) ACCESSED, I CAN LOVE ANYONE THROUGH ANYTHING.

Powerful, and hit me EXACTLY where I am. He is SO great, and I am so SMALL! The creator of the universe knows my name, and knows me intimately! Does this not scare anyone else? I was talking to my therapist a few days ago, and it hit me that I keep trying to understand God. I know I will never be able to comprehend His Will or the things He has in store for my life. But I continue to TRY! BUT... If I could understand, that would mean that God would have the intellectual ability of my FINITE BRAIN. I KNOW I don't want to serve a God that has the intellectual ability as me! I'm dumb and make DUMB DECISIONS! So, I'm going to do my very best to rely on FAITH. I need to quit trying to understand God... and simply try to TRUST HIM!

AWAKEN ME...

2005-09-22T03:06:00.004-05:00

After a crazy day of interviews, lunch and an ice cream cone with my niece later, I needed to jet home and change clothes for the WASTE OF MY TIME interview that I had scheduled at 2 o'clock... I'm driving down the road I live on, and I notice that my garage door was open. Um... can I say alarming? Anyway, I pull in the driveway, and it was covered in branches. Mr. and Mrs. C, yes my CRAZY, PSYCHO landlord(s), were there. Mr. C was LITERALLY IN the tree... why, I'm not sure... cutting some of the branches.... The point... I couldn't pull all the way into the driveway to park my car. That didn't bother me, but I was TERRIBLY pissed that they didn't even have the COMMON COURTESY to call and tell me they were going to be there! A phone call would have been nice. Anyway, I wasn't in the least bit upset about where I had to park my car since I wasn't planning on staying there very long... I was just planning to be there long enough to get ready for my interview and jet back out. Oh, I long for simplicity. Never happens with Mr. and Mrs. C. Mr. C was already there, but Mrs. C had not arrived when I pulled into the driveway. So Mr. C proceeds to begin moving the branches... I wasn't aware that Mrs. C was coming, seeing they never called to tell me EITHER of them were going to be there. I'm not bitter, though! Anyway, you see, he wasn't moving the branches for me, he was moving them because Mrs. C was coming behind me! Whatever! Pissed me off actually. I, POLITELY, moved my car so SHE could pull in... and I went into the house. My goal... avoid both of them! Since I received that letter from her, I'm just BOILING inside about the whole renting situation. She hasn't said anything else about it, and I have NO idea when she'll be delivering the new, amended lease. Anyway, my goal was to avoid them basically because I really did not have the time to devote to them. I had to be somewhere at 2, and I wasn't going to be late because of them! So, I went to my other waste of time interview, and came back about an hour later only to find my landlord(s) lying on a blanket on the front yard on a blanket in the shade. It was cute, but I was disgusted again, though I'm not sure why. Anyway, I felt what David calls a DIVINE NUDGE. One of those things you KNOW GOD is telling you to do. I KNEW this was from God, because nothing inside of me wanted to do this. So I had this small, but DRAMATIC conversation with God: (actually said out loud, **me, not God**, so imagine that!)

GOD: Take them a drink... It's hot, and they are working hard. They are older and they are in a position of authority over you, and you need to show them respect and honor.
ME: God, I don't WANT to take them water. They have hurt me. They don't appreciate me as a tenant. They don't like me, why should I?
GOD: Heather, I can't bless you unless you do as I command you.
ME: God, my heart is willing, but my flesh is SO weak. My heart's desire is not to be kind to them, PLEASE CHANGE MY HEART!

This isn't said to be boastful, so please don't think so... The result... God changed my heart. I decided to make some lemonade. I didn't use tap water, but ice cold water that had been chilled in the fridge for a couple of days. I poured them each a glass, and took it too them. They were thirsty, and I gave them a drink. It reminded me of that verse, "whatever you have done to the least of these, you have done to Me." That's a paraphrase... bear with me... (it is late and I've been typing for about an hour) I felt peace as I had done what the Lord had asked me to do. Obedience is such a wonderful feeling. Normally, I wouldn't think of obedience as a feeling, but as an action. But today, a new perspective. Obedience as a feeling. It was nice. I don't know that I have noticed that before today... It wasn't peace, though it felt similar. The more I thought about it, it was like I knew that I had honored my Father with a gift of obedience, now a noun, a thing. He was pleased, and I felt His grin of approval...

Scary thing, I don't feel I live in that state of obedience. I was struck hard by this event... Maybe God is using this to break my PINK ELEPHANT...

I went to church tonight, SYNAGO with the youth as I normally do. This evening, would be no normal service. Granted, there was worship in song. Granted there was Rob speaking... We have been studying prayer. MY PINK ELEPHANT. Anyway, the past couple of weeks have been hard as we/they have devoted time to prayer. I don't feel the pink elephant is an issue IN the church... but outside of the church, it is a BIG DEAL, *note the caps*. I took the opportunity while in the church to talk to my ABBA... tonight though.. was different. After the event that has already transpired, it was like my heart was already attuned to His presence. We focused on some scripture. No one read it out loud. It was projected on the wall while Mike played the guitar. Silently, each person read the Scripture. Silence is powerful. I'm amazed at how much more Scripture speaks to me in the silence compared to when someone reads it aloud. Sometimes, I feel God, himself, is reading the Scripture to me. At least that is how I picture it... Don't laugh, it's precious to me. That song, "He Whispers Sweet Peace To Me" is so true... I feel He whispers the TRUTH, HIS WORD to me. "The TRUTH will set you free." "It is for freedom Christ has set you free!" In light of eternity, Christ has set me free from the bondage of sin. I know I will reside in Heaven once my earthly body has managed it's toil. But mentally and emotionally, I am bound by many things. I'm seeking freedom through Him and with Him. Back to the service... At the end of the service, Mike played the guitar. Rob had provided sheets for every person, and we journaled. We journaled our thoughts to God... This is what I wrote:

You are exceedingly more than I could ever imagine. You have stayed by my side despite my desperate attempts to run away from You. Despite my wayward heart, YOU LOVE ME! I am humbled in Your LOVE, MERCY, and GRACE! HOW COULD YOU LOVE ME???? HOW? Thank you for the love, unconditional love, that has NO PRICE but cost You EVERYTHING. God, stir my heart. Stir up TRUTH in my heart. YOU are TRUTH, and I need YOU, I need TRUTH more than ANYTHING. I've tried it alone... and I can't anymore, You know it isn't working. You know where I am. I want to be AWAKENED to something incredible and awesome! YOU! Open my eyes, ABBA. Open my eyes to You, ABBA. Open my eyes to the works of Your hand, ABBA. I'm crying out, craving MORE of YOU. Take me. Fill me. Use me. Fill me. FILL me. FILL ME! Take everything that is in me, and replace it with YOU. Tune my heart as a musician would tune an instrument. Tune ME TO YOU! Tune my heart to sing thy praise! Tune my heart to prayer. Tune my heart to YOUR WORD. Make me into the ME I WAS CREATED TO BE!The words Natalie Grant sings say it best:

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I’M JUST EXISTING
I’M NOT REALLY LIVING
I’M ONLY WATCHING THE TIME SLIP AWAY
I’VE FORGOTTEN WHO I AM IN YOU
I’M NOT WHO I’M MEANT TO BE
I’M DRIFTING FARTHER AWAY FROM MY DESTINY

MY SOUL IS LONGING, MY HEART IS SEARCHING
I’M DESPERATE FOR YOU TO MOVE
GIVE ME A HUNGER, PULL ME CLOSER
I’M CRYING OUT TO YOU

AWAKEN MY HEART, AWAKEN MY SOUL
AWAKEN YOUR POWER AND TAKE CONTROL
AWAKEN THE PASSION TO LIVE FOR YOU, LORD
AWAKEN ME

OPEN MY EYES SO I CAN SEE YOUR PRESENCE
DWELLING INSIDE
WAKE ME UP, ‘CAUSE I CAN’T LIVE ANOTHER MINUTE
IF I’M NOT SHINING YOUR LIGHT

LORD, AWAKEN ME TO LIVE MY DESTINY
LORD, AWAKEN ME TO SHINE YOUR LIGHT THROUGH ME

What does this mean? Where does that leave me? What am I asking of my Abba? Am I sincere in my words? I’m scared. Scared of the relationship, scared of the intimacy I know that can be.

He can do great things in and through me. He can restore me to the Me I was suppose to be, but better because of my “stuff”I pray He will continue to CAPTIVATE ME!

UNEVENTFUL...

2005-09-15T23:58:00.000-05:00

Today was again, quite uneventful. I was awakened by the Salvation Army this morning at like 7:00! Oh, my. I didn't go to bed till close to 4:30 this morning! Glad I switched them to bags last night.

Anyway, I made an excessive TO DO LIST today. I got a majority of it done. I had to go out today to run a few errands. I woke up today at 2:00.. and a torrential downpour was going on outside. There was NO WAY I was going to go out in that. The ten steps alone to my car, I would have been soaked. So, I decided to tackle a few other things on my list and head out when the storm ended.

Surprisingly, I was a bit motivated today. That comes in spurts these days. I suppose it is because of the fact I have a couple of interviews lined up. One is tomorrow morning, and the other is next Tuesday. I'm not holding out for the one tomorrow, but it does provide an opportunity for me to get out of the house, and get up and get dressed. That's sad, isn't it? Anyway, Smith Barney called today. They found my resume online and called me! Way fun! Anyway, the lady I talked to this afternoon stated that they are looking for someone pretty quickly. So... I'm going to work on that one and make sure I'm overly prepared.

Anyway, I'm going to head for bed. Seems I'm needing more sleep these days. Not really sure why... guess the depression is biting me... My therapist is out of town until next week, so... She'll get an earful when we meet on Tuesday...

Anyway, I keep putting off the inevitable... the spiritual... the needed journey. Maybe tomorrow...

INTRODUCING GWENDOLYN JANUS...

2005-09-13T17:58:00.000-05:00

«·´¨*·.¸¸..†.:*Gwendolyn Janus*:.†.. ¸¸.·*¨`·»

Monday, September 12, 2005
2:36 p.m.
20.25 inches

Rachel & Jason Janus
New Bern, NC

FLY TO JESUS...

2005-08-31T05:33:00.000-05:00

This song means alot to me right now. Honestly, I'm not sure why... but I've been listening to it on repeat for several hours now. ** Couldn't sleep, so I started taking care of some of the could ofs from last evening's post.

Untitled Hymn
sung by Chris Rice

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

COULD HAVE'S

2005-08-30T23:05:00.003-05:00

Rain, rain, rain, and more rain. Arg. Lots of rain from Katrina in the area. I escaped much of the damage and seemed to not be hit hard by the remaining parts of Katrina's wrath. My friends about fifteen minutes west of me didn't fair out as well as I did though. Her place was soaked with water this morning, and there were limbs everywhere compromising structure and plumbing in her place. So, I'd say that I made it out okay! I did have to sweep off about a million leaves from the trees that made their way onto my deck due to high winds and fierce rain.

Also, a quick note about my friend Tep. She is leaving for Spain tomorrow. This is the day she has been waiting for. Her visa is still not in hand. The Spanish consulate in New Orleans has been hit extremely hard by Katrina. There is no idea as to how long the city/state will be out of commission as far as issuing the visas. She was praying to have her visa in hand before leaving for Spain so that she wouldn't have to make a "special" trip just to pick it up. Now she is praying for smooth travel to and from the country as she begins her ministry among the university students.

Revival tonight was... well... Hard. Interesting. Stiring. Convicting. I wanted more than anything to just RUN, literally, to the altar and pray to the Living God! But the invitation time, because of the context of the message, was slightly different. Okay, it was REALLY different. The sermon tonight was entitled "The Ministry of the Socks". It was based on an event in the evangelist's life when he was given a pair of socks with Romans 10:15 with it, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!" The Bible text is below:

May the Lord show mercy to the household of Onesiphorus,
because he often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains.
2 Timothy 1:16

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Hebrews 10:23-25

He spoke of Onesiphorus ~ the encourager. He spoke of how important the role of Onesiphorus was to Paul. It struck me that Paul wrote he wasn't ashamed of his chains. He stayed with him, loved him, and encouraged him. He challenged us to do the same for fellow Christians, our families, and for those, i.e. the pastor, who are in full-time service for Christ. I'm a firm believer in this. I tell my pastor usually once a week that he is my FAVORITE pastor and that I'm glad he is at Forest Hills. He is the best preacher and most loving one I have EVER had. I wouldn't change ANYTHING about him.

The invitation was very different. As we sang Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus, the evangelist asked us to leave our seats and find those who have impacted our lives, spiritually and in various ways, whether they be Sunday School teachers, someone who you see every week that smiles at you but you don't know their name, the choir member, the church staff, i.e. church receptionist. I was shocked when people came to me. I don't think about my impact on others. Two were youth. I'll call the first one "P"... who I love and care for dearly. I found out a while ago that "P" is a cutter. She's struggling to find herself and struggling with depression. I make sure to love on her and encourage her whenever I can. The other one I'll call "C". "C" is one of the girls that was in my 10th grade Sunday School class when I was teaching about a year or so ago. She is precious and her family is dear to my heart. Her folks were MY Sunday School teachers for the past couple of years. But "C" came to me and expressed her appreciation for me. That meant so much to me because I've been out of the youth department for about a year or so because of the other "STUFF" going on. I never explained to them why I stepped down and seemingly away from them so quickly. Their group of girls, now seniors in high school, have had trouble keeping a teacher in their class because of several reasons ~ dynamics of relationships and the way they could NEVER get along, lack of unity in the group, the way they treated some of their past teachers. None of those are why I stepped down. I have felt bad for a while because I haven't explained to them, and part of me feels like I should. Anyway, to have her come and tell me that she appreciates me and that I have impacted her life for the better is an amazing feeling! Others that came were the Franks who thanked me for speaking up in Sunday School. Tears streaming down her face, she continued to explain how my words have challenged her and encouraged her and her husband to a deeper relationship with Christ. Kenny and Wendy, "C"'s parents, thanked me for encouraging them and for my faithfulness to the class and the Single Adult Ministry. Jerry, my WONDERFUL pastor, thanked me for encouraging him and for having my place in the service ~ fourth pew back, right hand side of the church, far left on the pew. Every Sunday, he comes and shakes my hand and thanks me for being faithful. Presence is a powerful encourager, as said by my pastor and the evangelist this evening.

So I've decided that I'm going to be an Onesiphorus, and hopefully in turn Christ will send me an Onesiphorus to me to encourage me, love me, and not be ashamed of my chains. They aren't accepted by the world. They aren't normal chains. They are ugly and hard to break. I'm bound, but I'm praying the bondage breaker and the burden bearer will SET ME FREE! I'm going to try to go and pray tomorrow at the church.

Today I slept until 2:30pm. I wasted practically the whole day. I could have hung up the clothes that are scattered all over my bedroom. I could have taken my clothes to the cleaners ~ you know, in anticipation for a job. I could have cleaned up the dishes that are on the desk, the coke cans of the MANY drinks I have consumed. I could have filed the bills and documents that need to be filed away. I could have written Brother Jerry, or Beth, or David, like I have been meaning to do for so long. I could have unpacked the bag that I took to Arkansas ( I've been back for a week now). I could have made some phone calls. I could have called David about getting more meds. I could have called to see how much it would have costs to go to the doctor when I pay cash. I could have written and sent my rent check to the PSYCHO landlady that owns this joint. Instead, I slept. I SLEPT.

Do you know what I'm going to do tomorrow?

That's right. Sleep. I plan on sleeping until about the same time tomorrow. I was going to call my therapist today, but needless to say, I didn't. I sent her an email tonight, and I'm sure we will discuss it on Thursday when I go back. My last session was interesting as she talked about my diagnosis and prognosis for therpay and our goals for the next six months or so. So.... Maybe I can find some motivation to get some of the COULD HAVEs from above done.

A MOMENT OF LOVE...

2005-08-29T08:47:00.001-05:00

So today's been interesting. I went and met with Mignonne today, and it was pretty painless. After that I went to pick up my friend from the airport. Airport = HELL.

Revival is this week, and it is kicking my butt. I went tonight after the events at the airport. I was a bit frustrated by the time I was able to get to church. I was late, but arrived just as the evangelist was approaching the pulpit. So after I can calm myself... he begins his message entitled "What To Do With A Heavy Burden". I'm convicted and amazed at the burdens this young heart carries. I don't want to carry them anymore. Anyway, a lot of folks responded during the invitation. Mind you that four couples were called on by my pastor, not the evangelist, to "man" the altar so that they could pray for and with the folks that responded to the invitation. They were couples from the church that everyone knows, and David and Nancy were one of the couples asked by Jerry to man the altar. They happen to be in the front right hand side where I had come and sat because I was late.

That's when I lost it. I was a mess. I wanted to go down and pray, but I couldn't move. So I stayed there, sobbing, crying, and weeping. The evangelist called us to grab the hand of the person on our left and the person on our right. I was standing in between David and Nancy. They began to pray for me, and Nancy grabbed my hand and then let go and wrapped her arm around me. When David prayed for me he held my head ~ like he was praying over me ~ which he was. The prayer time ended, and we returned back to our respective seats. David remained in the pew across the aisle instead of returning to where his family was ~ on the other side of the church. Midway through the song, he came over and just hugged me and held me ~ you know how parents force a child's head onto their chest so they will rest ~ that is what David did to me. He forced my head to rest on his chest, as if he was telling me it was okay to cry, and okay to lean on him. I don't say this much, but it was so nice to be held. To be hugged and told I was loved. Those are moments are few and far between. I came to church frustrated with my life and those around me that pretend to care, and left feeling loved.

BALANCE...

2005-08-27T23:19:00.001-05:00

After sleeping all day... almost literally, I decided to join the "reunion" of Bible College folks here in Nashville. Folks I haven't seen in a couple of years. Sometimes I don't like going to those type things because I feel very out of place. I kind of did tonight, but not really. People from my "social circle" were there, and it was easier to feel comfortable. Many of them are married and expecting, but outside of that awkwardness, it was good to see them and catch up on what is going on with everyone.

Honestly, it was just good to be invited. I worked A LOT in college... like 50 hour workweeks and going to school full-time during the day. My "social time" was very limited as I was trying to put myself through school. By the time I went to class for four hours, scurried off to work, then back to school for an evening class, then preparing for the next day's classes, prayer group, and sleeping for a few hours... FREE time was not something I knew a whole lot about. So the friends I had, granted they were good quality people, didn't have a fighting chance to get to know me other than passing me in the hallways of the dorm, as I rushed to get my lunch to-go, etc. I was seen as a very angry and distant person in college. Angry ~ yes ~ before I became a Christian in '99. Distant ~ not really ~ just really busy. I wish I had taken time out to get to know people better. I've always liked to work ~ it keeps my mind busy so I don't think about things such as my previous entry.

Balance is something I've always struggled with. All of one thing, and less of another. Where one grows, one weakens. Why is that? Why can't something grow in importance and the other things not change?

MY PINK ELEPHANT...

2005-08-26T21:49:00.001-05:00

It's only been a few hours since my last post. I'd love to say that I'm doing better. ~ I'm not. I want to be.

I've lost my way. I don't know how it happened. I just feel like I'm wandering around in my head ~ and the scenery isn't pleasant. Thoughts I never want to have, images I wish I would never have to see again, feeling the pain and the abuse all over again. It's amazing how the brain works. I have felt today like I was seven and my abuser was hurting me again. I feel it all over again. The pain of the actual abuse, the way he touched me, the smells of the house, everything. It's disturbing. That is part of the reason I'm in therapy. I'm trying to work through these images and memories to regain some sense of a normal life.

I'm feeling devalued by the memories and the actual events. I feel devalued by the one person that knows me and my abuse. Am I trash because I was abused? People say it wasn't my fault, yet they treat ME like I am unworthy. How am I to believe that it ISN'T my fault when they treat me like it is? The church today is contradictory. They tell you to find your identity in Christ, yet they devalue their members. They tell you to do God's will for your life, yet they won't let you because of your "past". They tell you that the church is the place where you can be "real", but it is the place everyone wears their "mask".

Religious piety makes me sick. My "pink elephant" was birthed through this issue. It grew. My "pink elephant" is enormous and needs to be dealt with ~ and soon. It's standing in the way between me and God. I know it, but I don't know what to do about it. Most people say, "Oh, just pray about it." But that is the problem, I don't feel like I can. I get overwhelmed at the thought of approaching God on an intimate level right now. I've been there before. I don't think He will reject me, I just don't feel like I can. I believe...
Help my unbelief!

WHAT CAN YOU LEARN?

2005-08-04T14:26:00.000-05:00

Rob spoke on this passage last night. I've been thinking about it a bit since then. If we have ALL been baptized into one Spirit, why then do we as the "church" judge people for their pasts? I feel like everyone should be able to share their past without fear of rejection from the body.

My past isn't pretty. It isn't something I'm extremely proud of. But didn't God save me from that? Isn't that my testimony? Why then do I feel like sharing my past is going to impart judgment upon myself? I've been apart of some drugs, alcohol, sex, indirect involvement with the occult, sexual abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, depression, suicide attempts, cutting, and running from God on so many levels, but I'm a different person now. Why are people afraid of what others have experienced? If the "hand" has knowledge of an experience that the "foot" knows nothing about, why not share that knowledge with the "foot"? Wouldn't that help the "foot" out? I think so. Maybe one day, I'll get the guts to share my real testimony here. Until then... remember, we all have a "story". It has meaning and merit. God can use EVERY person and EVERY circumstance.

The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up only one body. So it is with the body of Christ. Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles, some are slaves, and some are free. But we have all been baptized into Christ's body by one Spirit, and we have all received the same Spirit. Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. If the foot says, "I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand," that does not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear says, "I am not part of the body because I am only an ear and not an eye," would that make it any less a part of the body? Suppose the whole body were an eye--then how would you hear? Or if your whole body were just one big ear, how could you smell anything? But God made our bodies with many parts, and he has put each part just where he wants it. What a strange thing a body would be if it had only one part! Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. The eye can never say to the hand, "I don't need you." The head can't say to the feet, "I don't need you." In fact, some of the parts that seem weakest and least important are really the most necessary. And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect from the eyes of others those parts that should not be seen, while other parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together in such a way that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other equally. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad. I Corinthians 12:12-26

MOVING....

2005-08-04T00:33:00.002-05:00

This will be a complete tangent, so if you don't want to read what's going on in my head, don't read what is below....

It's been a week since I have updated. Time flies when you are depressed. Things have changed, yet I'm not quite sure what or even how.

My brother and sister-in-law moved this past weekend. It was actually a "simple" move compared to others that I have helped with or actually done myself. I am glad that they have bought a house, I'm just kinda sad that it is farther away. Before it was only 11.5 miles away. Granted that wasn't eleven minutes, but it sure is different than driving thirty minutes on the interstate and then fifteen on back roads.

Saturday was kinda hard. Like saying goodbye, but not. Everything was packed up and moved out of the truck into the new house by five in the evening. My baby, aka my niece who is three, has been wanting a bike since the day we went ot my sister-in-law's sister's house,(sorry for the complex family diagram) and she rode Sammy's bike for like four hours. My mother has been thinking about buying my baby a bike for a while, so we trucked it to to the local walleyworld to take a gander at the 12" bikes for her. They had zero, nada, not one Princess bike for my baby. Oh, that look, that face. She was so disappointed. She got Spongebob bandaids instead,and she was a happy camper. I just love kids. We got back to the house and just kinda relaxed for a little bit. My niece loves for me to "wrap her up like a burrito" and sit with her. Usually this is done after a bath, but not this time. Arms down beside her, she asks me with that pitiful face, "Will you wrap me up like a burrito and let me sit in your lap?" Who in the free world would say NO? Not me... We sat there, and I rocked her to sleep. I love that kid. She just melts me.

I just miss her. She makes me reflect on God and my relationship with Him. Like for instance, does God feel like this when I neglect him? Does His heart break this much? Does He miss my giggle? Does He miss it when I would sit in his lap? Does He want to just hear my voice?

My therapist is working with me on my relationship with Christ and how it fits in to the abuse and SI or vice versa. I love Christ more than anything, but I get distracted easily. Should I? Probably not as much as I do. I'm trying to keep my focus by having a quiet time with Him everyday.

I want to know what forever is. I want to know what it is to be free. To feel like there isn't a care. Or just know that someone is there. My heart is breaking into so many pieces. Those that know think they are just creases. I want to be sure, and I want to know more tomorrow than I do today. I want Him - CHRIST - more than anything. I'm dreaming of the possibilities and resting in the promises of today and tomorrow.

DO I FEEL LIKE A DALIT?

2005-07-08T03:54:00.000-05:00

So I was asked if sometimes I feel like a Dalit...

Honestly, I would have to say no. Though there are MANY minutes, hours, days, and weeks that I feel lonely, depressed, and unloved, I don't think my life could in any way be compared to what my Christian brothers and sisters are facing in India.

I have my issues that may or may not make me socially "weird", but these people are told they are hopeless and useless. No one is hopeless, and no one is useless. They are socially unacceptable to everyone. I think as an American, I am blessed in more ways than I know. Often I allow my circumstances to cloud what God is doing and has done in my life. I'm struggling in a lot of areas in my life.

For those of you who have just subscribed, I'll give you some history. I am a Christian. I accepted Christ November 10, 1999 as a first-year senior at the Bible College I had been attending. I was sexually abused for about four years from the ages of 7 to 10. I don't have a terrible home life... My parents are still married, and I had all my needs met. Well, all of the physical ones anyway. My mother has severe OCD and a phobia of germs, dirt, and basically, anything outside. My brother and I lived on pins and needles as to the "rules" of the house. Granted all houses have rules, but these were different. That's a whole different post, but it was hard for my mother to love - or show love. She still does.

Since I have graduated college, many things have changed for me. I am finding identity outside of my mother's illness and my childhood abuse. I am in therapy with a Christian Therapist, and I'm making progress. Some days are difficult. Some days are easier. Every day is filled with traumatic memories I have never dealt with. With a christian therapist, she is helping me see how Christ is in everything. She's showing me the spiritual aspect of my life and how I can be used by God - abused and all.

Taking one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. Sometimes I forget the power Christ has. Sometimes I forget His love. Sometimes I fear it. I fear the intimacy with Him. I fear the relationship. I want it. I know it. He loves me. I am my Beloved's and He is Mine!

So do I feel like a Dalit. By no means. I pray that the Dalits can feel the freedom I experience. Bondage is a tricky thing. Oppression is a different thing. I am in bondage of my mind, praying and working for freedom. The Dalits are oppressed and their social environment is not conducive to freedom for them. That is unless we do something.

I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR...

2005-07-08T02:55:00.000-05:00

I want to thank you for what you have already done.

I am not going to wait until…

I see results or receive rewards.
I feel better or things look better.
People say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me.
The pain in my body disappears.
My financial situation improves.
The house is quiet.
I get promoted at work or until I get this job.
I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief.
The journey gets easier or the challenges are removed.

I am thanking you because…

I am alive.
I made it through the day’s difficulties.
I have walked around the obstacles.
I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.
You haven’t given up on me.

FREE...

2005-05-26T13:08:00.000-05:00

What is it that binds me from being free?
Why do I feel like I can not be me?
I walk around with a mask on my face.
I’m simply trying to keep up the pace.

Am I that good at hiding all the pain?
Is it you don’t care, or are your words in vain?
You tell me that you’re always there for me.
Yet you’re there next to me and still don’t see

The life you see is just an act
What I want to do is tell you the facts.

AN UNTITLED POEM

2005-05-26T13:03:00.001-05:00

I was young and without a voice
You told me that I had no choice
Forced to do just as I was told
My life changed at seven years old

I was raped, molested and beat
At one point, tied up by my feet
You hurt me in so many ways
As I relive it day by day

You took my life away from me
Changing all that I think and see
I hear your words and feel the pain
All I come away with is shame

Innocence replaced by a fear
That someone would see a real tear
Lost in a world that I should know
Each day I “go” but never grow.

What gave you the right to steal
The part of me that made me real?
The days of wishing upon stars
And playing on the monkey bars.

Now that was twenty years ago
But only the outside scars show
Carving all the feelings that shake
Cause the choice wasn’t yours to make.

I wonder where you are today.
Do you care if I am okay?
Do you understand what you did?
You have forever changed this kid.

I am not going to let you take
My tomorrow for your mistake.
I am processing the events
Working through how it all makes sense

Now I’m making a life of my own
Trying to rebuild from the unknown
Yearning for something so much more
Searching for how my heart can soar

LOST IN ALL OF YOUR GRACE...

2005-04-10T21:10:00.000-05:00

there's something quantum in this knowing that i feel,
when i ask questions and re-ask, though i know the answer,
though i know i'm just trying to justify,
and there's something about turning it over in my head,
examining every angle,
allowing it to glimmer in the light of truth,
under the watchful gaze of most careful introspection,
and i let it linger just long enough to hold it,
but push it along so that it won't burn my hands,
and i've let it linger now just long enough to know,
that tomorrow should be better than what it has to offer,
and that the next tomorrows deserve more than this unknowing,
and i want to be sure,
and i want to know more,
and i want to be true to what I say I believe,
so when i fall to my knees,
or just flat on my face,
i find again this same familiar place,
where all of me is lost in all of Your grace.

JUST ANOTHER UPDATE...

2005-03-24T01:32:00.000-06:00

So, I suppose I have a bit to update about. Thank you to whomever prayed... the Lord answered your prayer! I applied for a job at UBS Financial on Saturday, and they called on Monday! I had an interview on Tuesday. I think the interview went well. I am praying that the Lord will open the door for me to be offered the job. I am ready to get back to work. I hate having so much down time. It pays a nice salary and compensation base. It would definitely be a blessing. I would love to be able to use that money to bless others... To give like I want to... to pay off some debt... and save for a house!

My therapist is out of town this week. I am doing okay. Yesterday was pretty tough. After having an argument with my mother last Thursday, things have been a bit rocky with the family. I went to visit my dad at the shop after my interview yesterday... That is when things went sour...

Now note... I go with my parents every year to get my taxes done. The lady they use gives me a "college" discount, and it is helpful to get it done at the same time. I have been telling my folks all along since January that I was planning to go with them. Since I told my mother about my job situation, she has washed her hands of me. She told me I was an ultimate failure. She told me that I was worthless and wasn't going to go anywhere with my life. So she isn't willing to do anything that will remotely help me or make me feel valuable. So... she planned for my dad and her to go to get their taxes done yesterday and didn't say anything to me. So... that left me to get my taxes done elsewhere... Now it isn't that big of a deal to get them done elsewhere. That isn't the point. The point is... I am tired of my own family treating me like crap. They(SHE) could have had the common courtesy to call me and just tell me. But no. They hide the truth to hurt me. Normal behavior from my mother... Just frustrates me! Hurts me to the bone to know that my own family thinks I am a failure.

I talked to Rob this morning. It was interesting. He told me that in order to get back into a leadership position, he needs to know where I am and what my issues are. My "seizure spells" were brought up... and for the hundredth time, I explained that I have been diagnosed with neurocardiogenic syncope. I pass out all the time... Why can't they get that? They keep telling me it is a psychological thing. Like there is a MENTAL HEALTH issue that makes me pass out. After explaining again, and him writing it down on paper, maybe he will get it. Also the drama with the girls came up... Also hacks me off. The main girls in question are rude and disrespectful. They don't care about leadership or the authority placed over them. They were always causing problems. And the parents - BLAME ME! What in the world is wrong? I encouraged the other girls - as they came to me - to go to them. I refused to solve their problems. They have to learn to solve their problems on their own. Who in the world loves to confront others? Not me. I don't like to confront, and I don't like being confronted. Now honestly, since Ridgeview has begun, the "drama" girls have moved to that church, so much of the drama has died. Rob said, "Since you have stepped down, most of that drama has ceased." Implying that I was the cause. I was pissed. So he wanted to know what my issues were. I told him that I was abused as a kid. No information as to the type of abuse, i.e. physical, emotional, mental, or sexual. He apparently assumed. Whatever. So he wants time to do some research to see if that research tell him if I am "FIT" for leadership. He knows I am in therapy, and that I am working on the issues at hand. So I meet with him again in April to answer his questions that he gathers after doing research.

I excited about this weekend. Rachel is coming into town tomorrow (which is today). Cancun here we come. Good ol' Mexican food! I can't wait to see her! She is about 17 weeks pregnant, so I can't wait to hear what is going on with her and catch up on lost time... I need to laugh with her and just be me again. Jazz is coming into town for a wedding on Friday! But never fear - Jazz is coming to Brentvegas! At least I think she is... I can't wait to get my fat ass into some scrubs! HA! I love talking with her because I can be real. She doesn't like my coping methods, but she never judges me. She loves me despite my mental pitfalls. I love you, Jazz. I don't think I tell you enough what you mean to me. Friday night is the prayer vigil thing at my church. We pray at 11:00pm. Arg, that is late! But the group is getting together beforehand in the Family Life Center to play C-R-U-D and have dinner and just hang out. Hopefully the weekend will be busy...

I am also praying that UBS calls to tell me I got the job. Please pray that I receive good news from them. I have been extremely motivated since the interview... I am excited about the potential of a job!!! Please pray that I get this job.

SLEEPING...

2005-03-20T03:31:00.000-06:00

So my sleeping schedule is all off. I didn't get up today until 5pm. David would gripe at me about that. So, I am up during the night... not a good thing. The nighttime is the enemy. Bad things happen at night. BAD THINGS. I figure I will stay up all night tonight and no nap this afternoon... SHOULD get my sleeping back on track... Hopefully.

I am going to call some folks on Monday about a job. I have got to find something. Not only cause I need the money ( I DO ), but because of the idle time on my hands is going to kill me. Or I'll kill me with the idle time... Either way it is bad. Guess I will go to a temp agency, even though I don't want to! Better than nothing I suppose.

Jazz will be here in less than one week. Guess that is something to live for. Something to look forward to. Red is coming in to town this week too. I am excited about them coming. Don't get me wrong. I am just OVERWHELMINGLY depressed. I honestly don't remember being this depressed ever... People like David say, just snap out of it. Do the things you have to do every day. Make good decisions. I WANT to make good decisions... but I just can't. Part of it might be that I haven't been taking my meds for a while. Probably not a good thing.

I keep putting things off until I get a job. Like since I have no job, I have no motivation. Like I feel worthless... which I do. Like I can't do anything till I get a job. I HATE being unemployed.

Please pray someone calls me for a job interview this week.

PURIFIER OF SILVER...

2005-03-11T23:59:00.000-06:00

Malachi 3:3 "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up.

He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it." If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you. And whatever you're going through, you'll be a better person in the end!

PRISONERS OF HOPE...

2005-03-11T11:56:00.000-06:00

Prisoners of Hope by Victoria Boyson

There are times, while waiting for the birth of your destiny, that you feel as though you would like to give up hope, but God will not let you. It feels as though you are held captive by hope. "Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you" (Zechariah 9:12). There are times during the development of your dream when your hope seems to have turned into a prison. You cannot make your dreams come true, and yet you find it impossible to stop believing in them. You cannot go forward any faster than God will let you, and you cannot return to where you once were before you became pregnant with the promise from God. God will not let you give up! During this time you might feel like saying, "Okay God, this is enough! I don't want to hope anymore! I am tired of being pregnant with this promise! I want out of this prison of hope!" It is during this time that your dream feels so real to you, yet to others it does not. The conflict between what you feel in the Spirit and what is evident in the natural grates at your soul. You feel much like you are on a Ferris wheel. You have your up times when you can see your dream's fulfillment far into the future, but you also have your down time when you cannot see anything. You think to yourself, "Am I crazy to think that God would bless me?" The enemy comes in like a flood and you begin to doubt, causing anguish to your soul. This is the time when God is doing His greatest work in you.

It is Because He Loves You
You feel as though you are ready for your destiny, but once again God directs you back to the refinery for more tweaking. Oh, how weary you are of the awful refinery and that seemingly endless tweaking. "Okay, God, you can stop now," you scream, but He does not stop. You are caught in a prison of hope and He will not let you out until He is finished with what He began in you. It is like a child who has a sliver. He does not like the pain the sliver causes him, but he hates the misery of having his sliver taken out. Removing the sliver is important, but he doesn't understand that. Even if he did, it is hard to keep still while it is being pulled out. Well, we all have spiritual slivers that we need God to take out, and sometimes it really hurts, especially when the sliver is way down deep in our heart. This is when the refining process REALLY hurts, because He is getting down to the very core of your soul, to the deep regions of your heart. He is developing things in you that you did not know you lacked -- things you did not even know you needed. You think, "Okay, God, this is deep enough." But every builder knows you must dig down deep to lay a proper foundation first, before you start to establish the height of the structure. And the greater the height of the structure, the deeper the foundation must be. It is God's great love for us that keeps us from entering our destiny until our foundation is secure. If He has held you back and you feel like a prisoner, He has done it out of love for you. He does not want to see all that He has worked to build in you crumble, because He did not take the time to develop a sure foundation. He loves you that much! Even though it hurts you, He needs to hold you in the prison cell of hope until it is safe for you to come out. Even though you are sick and tired of hoping, of believing, of waiting, He will still make you hope, believe and wait even longer. And this can be the hardest thing He has asked you to do yet. But when you feel like giving up, and yet continue to carry on, you begin to sense a strength rising in you that you did not know you possessed. And really, you did not possess it previously, because it was your reward for enduring this painful process. It is a gift from God that the enemy cannot take away from you, because you have earned it.

Held Captive by Hope
In the Word of God we can find many people who were held captive by hope; there are Moses, Joseph, and Abraham, to name a few. My favorite is David -- his honesty in the face of misery draws my attention. God had promised David that he would rule the kingdom of Israel, and Samuel had anointed him for it (see 1 Samuel 16:13). But after David had been anointed as king of all Israel, he had to go back to tending sheep. It was years before the promise came to pass for David, and he spent many of those years being chased by the man whose throne he would inherit. Back in the pasture on his father's farm, he did not envision himself hiding out in caves or pretending to be a madman in order to save his own life (see 1 Samuel 22:11). After all, God said he was going to be a king. A king does not have to do those things . . . does he? In Psalm 119:82, David cried out to God in song and said, "My eyes fail looking for your promise." I understand the longing in his heart as he spoke those words. It feels, sometimes, as though the promise will never be fulfilled. But in fact, it was fulfilled for David, and it will be for you, too, if you do not give up.

Hopeless, No. Helpless, Yes!
Do you feel sometimes as though you are hopeless? Well, you are not without hope; you are not hopeless, but you are helpless. God has put you in a position of helplessness or complete dependency on Him, and you are helpless to help yourself. You struggle to gain some measure of control over your life, but your pride (that you did not even know you had) is being crushed during this helpless state, and the only thing for you to do is to surrender and receive God's peace. You may feel hopeless, but really it is the condition of helplessness that is causing you pain. God wants you completely dependant on Him, and He will keep you a prisoner of hope until you are.

Return to Your Fortress
Your fortress during this time is trusting in a loving God. Trust Him in spite of all the reasoning of your mind, in spite of the circumstances that surround you. You were content to give God control of your life until He decided to do something with your life you did not like. You were happy to surrender all to Him until He decided to give your promotion to someone else. You believe in His sovereignty, until His sovereign will conflicts with your will. Then you are sure He has made a mistake. You want to run from Him, but He is your refuge. How do you run from your refuge? How do you run from the only one who really loves you or understands you? The answer is . . . you don't. So, return, my friend, to your fortress and remain a prisoner until He is done with you; until He decides you are ready for all that He has for you. What now feels like a prison cell to you, God sees as a fortress. And, of course, He is right. He loves you and if you give Him control of your life, He will guard it for you. Perhaps what feels to you like a prison cell may really be your place of safety and protection. David did not like being in a cave, but it saved him from King Saul. You may not like the circumstances you are in now, but do not run from them. They may be what is saving your life!

Double for Your Trouble
Why are we going through what we are going through? The second half of Zechariah 9:12 gives us the answer we are looking for. It says, "Even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." God says, "Even now I announce to you that not only will I restore to you all that has been taken from you, but I will give you double for all the trouble you have endured." He says, "Don't stop now . . . keep trusting me, because I can see your future and it is very blessed. Keep walking with me and keep trusting in me and I will give you rest in the midst of the storm." "Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28). When we have learned to "rest" in God in the midst of our storm, God is mightily blessed. It proves to Him that we trust in His goodness no matter what our circumstances appear like. It pleases Him very much when we trust in Him, and when He is pleased He will burst forth blessings from heaven. He just cannot help Himself; He loves to bless those who trust in His goodness. He, as He did for Israel in Zechariah 9:12, will stand up and announce to all that He is proud of you and intends to restore double to you for your continued trust in Him through all you have endured. And this is the beginning of your dreams coming true. Enjoy it, friend, because you have waded through the river of adversity and your heavenly Father is proud of you.

Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope.

SMEARS AND SCARS...

2005-03-03T22:35:00.000-06:00

If only life was like a pencil...every mistake or unwanted mark could simply be erased...as if it was never there...the only draw back to that though is that after repeated use...the eraser wears out...pretty soon...the worn out eraser leaves ugly smears; scars...lasting reminders of memories that were meant to be forgotten...

WAITING AND READING...

2005-02-20T01:19:00.001-06:00

So, this week has been a waiting game. Val's dad was diagnosed with a massive brain tumor last Friday. We have been at the hospital pretty much ever since. He has had brain surgery to remove the cancerous tumor, but the prognosis isn't real positive. They have called all the family in, but we still are holding out hope that he will beat the odds. Chemotherapy and radiation begin this week. He is still in ICU/Critical Care, so his TRUE prognosis will depend upon how he responds to the treatments.

While waiting in the Family Waiting Area, I have been reading this book. This book speaks to where I am. Discouraged and ready for God to rock my socks off. I have read a couple of chapters and put the "synopsis" in today's entry. I want to write and think more about it, so I figured putting it in here will help me remember. Who knows....

I am heading to bed. I am exhausted. Tonight is the first night I have been home in several days. My bed sounds REAL nice...

WHEN GOD WRITES YOUR LIFE STORY

2005-02-20T01:12:00.000-06:00

A truly heroic existence is made possible through the exchange of my life for God's. When I relinquish the rights to my own body and give them without condition to my heavenly Lord, His Spirit takes up residence within my physical being. He takes over. As the apostle Paul said, "It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me." Christ becomes King over my life, calling my earthly body His royal palace, his ruling throne. Without this exchange, the Christian life is merely a game, a self-constructed and miserable counterfeit of something vibrant and real.

The Holy Mount Everest God has called us to climb is truly an impossible feat. And success will only come when we recognize that we can't, but that He can. Only when we learn to yield to the power of Christ in us can we achieve true victory. We must let go of our existence as we now know it, forgo our own dreams, and get caught up in the dreams of God. We must exchange our life for His.

**Ludy, Eric & Leslie, When God Writes Your Life Story, Multonomah Publishers, Sisters, Oregon, p. 75.

WHEN GOD WRITES YOUR LIFE STORY

2005-02-20T01:00:00.000-06:00

To enter the endless frontier of a God-scripted life, we must gain a clear picture of our true destination. As modern Christians, we often aim our lives at the wrong targets. We aim to climb molehills and splash around in wading pools when God destined us to climb majestic mountain peaks and ford mighty oceans. God intends for us to scale the impassable mountainside of His holiness. He has called us to follow in the footsteps of Jesus Christ - a path no human being has ever been able to muster up the willpower or discipline to do. God crafted us to reach a destination in our lives that we are humanly unable to reach.

We must come face-to-face with our utter inability to take even one step into this endless frontier on our own. God desires to lift us up with His strong arms, take complete control of our lives, and tackle the rugged mountainous terrain on our behalf, while we lean our entire weight upon His solid chest. Without Him, we can do nothing.

**Ludy, Eric & Leslie, When God Writes Your Life Story, Multonomah Publishers, Sisters, Oregon, p. 61.

WHEN GOD WRITES YOUR LIFE STORY

2005-02-20T00:59:00.000-06:00

God created us to experience vibrant daily intimacy with Him and to constatnly pursue even greater depths of relationship with Him. But too often, once we scratch the surface of knowing Him, we pitch our tent. We stop pursuing Him. We stop seeking Him. And instead of having a daily, passionate relationship with our God, we settle for an imitation. We become trapped in the shallowness of the Christian game. We sing songs about His love and read books about His grace, but we rarely experience Him in our daily lives.

To experience the something more that each of us longs for, we must put away the Christian game, reject our imitation versions of Christianity, pack up our tents, and embark upon the adventure of truly knowing God. We must shake off the settler's mentality and become pioneers, passionately pursuing more and more of our King.

**Ludy, Eric & Leslie, When God Writes Your Life Story, Multonomah Publishers, Sisters, Oregon, p. 45.

WHEN GOD WRITES YOUR LIFE STORY

2005-02-20T00:54:00.000-06:00

God created us as little kids with a passion for impossible things. But he never intended for us to have that passion stripped away as we grew into adulthood. He wants us to believe in Him, the God of the Impossible. He wants us to expect Him to be as large as He says He is and as capable as He claims to be.

God created us for adventure, for pursuit, and for pioneering. His greatness and glory are spread about a vast and endless frontier, as fathomless as the universe itself. And it's into that boundless frontier that He beckons us, "Come and know Me!" It's a lifelong quest of discovery and growth.

As Christians, we are meant to have an insatiable appetite for God, seeking Him as a miner searches for gold, never satisfied with only a small nugget of his beauty but longing to hold the entire treasure of His grace. The gold of God is awaiting discovery. The ultimate life is waiting to be lived. But first we must awaken the pioneer within us. We must, once again, dream impossible dreams.

**Ludy, Eric & Leslie, When God Writes Your Life Story, Multonomah Publishers, Sisters, Oregon, p. 30.

JUST BE ME...

2005-02-01T01:11:00.001-06:00

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pRoUd To JuSt Be Me
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