IDOLATRY...

So I've been thinking a lot about God... and a lot about me and God. Thinking about His goodness, grace, mercy, understanding, love, peace, joy, faithfulness... I could go on and on and on.. Well, you get the picture.

The statement of Jesus is either Lord of all or He's not Lord at all. This has hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been my own judge and jury. I've judged everything I've ever done. I hate myself for the decisions and for who I've become because of them. I hate that I chose those things. I hate they they had terrible consequences. I just hate myself, period.

My issue has many layers. If you aren't comfortable reading this... Now's a good time to say a prayer and close the window. It began because I needed to feel real on some days. But other days, I felt everything but couldn't identify any feeling whatsoever. It became a release of all of the things happening that I didn't/couldn't understand. Overtime it's become an addiction to a degree. Don't get me wrong... Those reasons stated above still apply. I still did it for those reasons. More than those though, it was my punishment. It was my payment for what I had done. I'm the Queen of my own land... The kicker is... I'm the only one in my land. I don't want people in it. I don't welcome most in, and those that do get welcomed in usually don't stay long. I'm alone. Really alone. No one joins me. No one truly understands. The land I live in is dark, depressing, and dreary. No one visits. Alone. So alone I continue to be and continue my depressing life every day. I am playing God...

Guess what...? A lonely queen can be wrong once and a while. What God began to stir in my heart is that I'm not allowing Him to be God. I'm now accepting His gift. See... My blood was more important than His. My blood was better to cover my sins and iniquities. My blood was valued more than His. That is NOT Lordship. That is IDOLATRY! I'm choosing my blood over HIS! His sacrifice is in VAIN! My blood is temporary and provides little cleansing. It is temporary. That feeling of release, punishment, and being alive fades quickly. The pain comes back. The anger returns. The memories flood in. The flashbacks become more obtrusive. The shame. Oh, the shame. There will never be enough of my blood. I have to keep going back. It never completes things. It really never makes me feel better long-term. What I'm coming to "get" is that His is TOTALLY cleansing. One drop covers all... He bore scars for the sin of man... He bore scars for my sin. He bore scars for my scars. He completes the pain. He gives it meaning. He gives peace in the midst of the storm. 1 Peter 3:18 ~ For Christ died for sins ONCE FOR ALL, the righteous and for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit." (emphasis mine) Once for all... For me? YES. I get that He died for me. I don't get why He wants me. I don't get why He's willing to take my sin. I'm in awe and wonder of the cross.

As long as my spirit remains in this flesh, I will ALWAYS have a reminder of the sin of idolatry. At the cross, I'm no longer queen. I'm a child of the King. I'm in a new land now... the PROMISED LAND. I'm in a land with FULL ACCESS to the King. No special treatment to see Him. No need to make an appointment. There are no inconvenient times. There are no interruptions when I meet with Him. At the cross, I am whole. At the cross, my ransom is paid. At the cross, I am shadowed by his outstretched arms. At the cross, his height of holiness stands as tall as the sky. At the cross, it makes sense. At the cross, I can ask questions, and I don't need an answer. At the cross, He IS the answer.

I don't know that I could right now define what the cross exactly means to me... I guess because it's changing. It is still all the things I learned in college. It's all those things I learned in Sunday School. It's still a very wonderful testimony of God's love for us. It's becoming more than the cardboard cutouts and felt illustrations of my childhood. It's becoming to mean more to me.

As for now... I'm working on killing the things of the flesh. Moment to Moment....

Galatians 5:19-23
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you , as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of god. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Here's the struggle straight from Paul's mouth... Romans 7:21-24
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?

I failed this aspect of walking with Him today. I'm praying THIS moment is different. I'm praying tomorrow is different. I'm crying out to Him anyway I can..